Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Learn how to play your Helpless Senior Citizen In A Wheelchair card.

I have no idea whether or not I’ll be able to write this Howdygram post. I’m desperate for a nap but after two unsucccessful attempts on the chaise in the family room due to that “screaming nerve” in my right hip and thigh I’m afraid I might be destined to sit here like a brain-dead lump of pasta, nodding off at seven-minute intervals with my wireless mouse leaping to its death on the floor. This is AWFUL, people.

Maybe I’d just better move on.

Mazel tov to me! I successfully played my HELPLESS SENIOR CITIZEN IN A WHEELCHAIR card yesterday after Wal-Mart screwed up my recent web order for fine dinnerware a lot of foam plates. I was expecting two nice big packages of 250-count 8¾-inch plates; they sent me a million 18 bags of 30-count oversized compartment plates instead that are so damn big they wouldn’t fit in my kitchen cabinets even if I decided to use them, which I won’t. No sane person uses compartment plates unless you’re at a pot-luck dinner at the Methodist church and you don’t want the baked beans to drool on your Jell-O.
So I called Wal-Mart after lunch and whined to a very pleasant little customer service boy named Raphael that I’m a HELPLESS SENIOR CITIZEN IN A WHEELCHAIR and how the hell can a grandma like me return all those bags of foam plates. It’s even possible he may have thought I was crying. Raphael put me on hold for a couple of minutes and then came back with the perfect solution: “Mrs. Marks, let’s just pretend they were lost in transit, okay? I’ll credit your account for a full refund.”

That was way easier than I ever expected it to be. Thank you, Wal-Mart! (And a special shout-out to Lee Strasberg and The Actors Studio.)

To celebrate the free oversized foam compartment plates that Sam wants to give away to our neighbors because they go to church, the Howdygram held its first-ever GAY FILM FESTIVAL yesterday with popcorn. Our two gay films were the gender-bending comedy Victor/Victoria (1982) starring Julie Andrews, Robert Preston and James Garner; and Behind the Candelabra (2013) starring Michael Douglas as Liberace and Matt Damon as his unhinged cutie-pie.

In case you’ve never seen it, Victor/Victoria is a Blake Edwards masterpiece of Inspector Clouseau-style sight gags and physical comedy, and the cast is so good I almost pee in my pants every time I see that screaming restaurant scene with the cockroach, Lesley Ann Warren’s Chicago night club routine and heterosexual James Garner’s torment over being attracted to another man before he finds out that Count Grazinski is actually Julie Andrews in “reverse drag.” (Is that even a thing?)
I also still get a kick out of Behind the Candelabra because it’s so insane to see Michael Douglas and Matt Damon as gay men. And both of them are over-the-top here, especially Michael Douglas as Liberace in the brocade nightgowns and poofy wigs. The hair and costumes were TRULY EXCELLENT.
The Howdygram also congratulates Rob Lowe as Liberace’s hilariously intoxicated plastic surgeon, Debbie Reynold as Liberace’s ever-present mother and Dan Aykroyd as Liberace’s frazzled manager who’s always trying to deny the “vicious lies” that his client is gay. (In real life Liberace actually thought his fans didn’t know.)

Beware, dear readers ... there’s another product recall this morning! Two companies are recalling frozen food products containing spinach that may be contaminated with Listeriosis. Amy’s Kitchen and Wegmans Food Markets, Inc. announced their separate recalls on Monday. Listeriosis can cause serious or even fatal infections, especially in pregnant women, newborns, and senior citizens with weakened immune systems such as yours truly.
Amy’s Kitchen in Petaluma, California, issued a voluntary recall involving 19 different frozen entrees containing organic spinach, including several varieties of vegetable lasagna, several varieties of tofu scramble, brown rice and vegetables, pasta shells, spinach pizza, and enchiladas. A complete list of items and lot numbers covered by the recall is available on the FDA website.

Also announced Monday was a recall involving frozen organic spinach sold at Wegmans, a chain of 85 stores in New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia. The FDA says the recall affects 12-ounce packages of Wegmans Organic Food You Feel Good About Just Picked Frozen Spinach stamped with the dates BEST USED BY JAN 26 2017 50265 and BEST USED BY FEB 02 2017 50335. This is almost comical, isn’t it? Do YOU feel good about Wegmans frozen spinach with Listeriosis?!

I’ve got a 9:15 appointment this morning for a Coumadin blood test. That’s about 90 minutes from now and I have serious doubts that I’ll be able to stay awake until then. I feel like a zombie. Fortunately the appointment doesn’t last very long and only involves taking my blood pressure and a really fast fingerstick blood sample. I wonder if I’ll be the first senior citizen to sleep through a blood test.

Thank you for reading this.

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