I am not a spammer, you jerk. I am a senior citizen.

I don’t get it. Have you ever had one of those days when you just have to whine about EVERYTHING? About an hour ago I decided to lie down on the chaise in the family room due to being really ripped from my last dose of hydrocodone but within 30 minutes I’M WIDE AWAKE AND CRYING for all of the following reasons.

1. The left side of my nose hurts.
2. I’m shivering 
3. I’m belching a lot.
4. My stomach feels upset.
5. I’m angry that my outgoing email has been screwing up with bouncebacks and why does my service provider keep asking me how long I’ve been a spammer. I AM NOT A SPAMMER, YOU JERK. I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN.
6. I have no appetite.
7. Everything I eat tastes like crap including Tic Tacs.
8. I want Sam to come home from work and pay attention to me.

In lieu of item number 8 because Sam is too busy to come home and play I think I’ll take a nice hot shower instead and order a sack of food from King China because I have to eat (I’m diabetic), it’s getting late and they make the best hot & sour soup in Texas. I realize that last phrase isn’t much of a testimonial, but what the hell. It’s good soup, y’all.

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Show of hands. Has anybody seen The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) starring Ralph Fiennes and a cast of billions? This is my favorite quirky new movie and I CAN’T STOP WATCHING IT. The film is filled with hilarious “Lutz” references, such as the Great Lutz Cemetery, the Express Lutz taxi service, and so on ... and although none of it is ever explained, I don’t care: Lutz was my maiden name and it cracks me up to see it on film. The plot is bizarre, but mostly it’s the story of a legendary concierge (Ralph Fiennes as M. Gustave) and his friendship with a lobby boy (Tony Revolori as Zero) during the hotel’s heyday between the two World Wars. Other notables include F. Murray Abraham, Adrien Brody, Jeff Goldblum, Jude Law, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton and Owen Wilson. As far as I’m concerned The Grand Budapest Hotel is right up there with Terry Gilliam’s Brazil (1985).

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And finally, here’s a follow-up to my Putz of the Week piece from a few days ago [see post] about asshole child-abandoner Justin Harris, the right-wing Arkansas state representative who gave up on his two little adopted daughters and “rehomed” them to a man who rapes children. The latest news from the Arkansas Times, which is doing one hell of a job reporting on this story, is that Harris’ wife Marsha is obsessed with demons, regularly performed exorcisms on the adopted girls and kept them locked in separate rooms with no toys and a hidden camera in order to find out if they were “telepathic” or not. WHAT THE FUCK? The Harrises also performed exorcisms at their Christian tax scam day care center, Growing God’s Kingdom.

Today it was revealed that our anti-tax, anti-government tea party douchebag — who bragged in his campaign ads about all the jobs he created at Growing God’s Kingdom — actually had substantial government help creating them! The Harrises have raked in more than $4 million in state and federal grants since 2010. Thank God all that money was given to a godly, small-government conservative ... or it might have been wasted!

Justin Harris’ defenders and pals, of course, are having a bunch of brain hemorrhages, especially the Arkansas Secretary of State — Mark Martin — who has taken to social media to call people who disparage the Harris’ parenting skills as “hypocritically self-righteous” and the work of  “vile socialist anti-Christian propaganda.” Wow.

I think Secretary of State Mark Martin should spend a little quality time reading Reuters’ terrifying exposé into “rehoming” so he can learn about all the “good Christians” who couldn’t cope with adopted children and gave them away to people they’d never met but who turned out to be criminals, passing them off in parking lots at night like stray cats on Craig’s List. Even though the Harrises didn’t give their daughters to a stranger, they turned them over to a fired employee ... who raped one of them. WHEN SHE WAS SIX.

It really disturbs me that the Secretary of the fucking State is defending someone who runs a state-funded preschool and GAVE AWAY HIS DAUGHTERS TO A PEDOPHILE RAPIST. Why hasn’t the attorney general launched a major investigation? And why is Martin NOT focusing on the business practices of the preschool ... unless he’s creating a smoke screen and he’s too busy misdirecting attention?

One final thought before I scrub my brain with bleach. There’s a lot more wrong with Justin Harris than all of the above if you stop to consider his ridiculously tiny head, his gigantic shiny suits and the fact that he looks (and sounds!) like a hairless middle-aged transgender woman.

Thank you for reading this. Sam is home and I’m really, really happy now.