Saturday, February 28, 2015

I will not show Debbie Riddle my 63-year-old crotch under any circumstances.

I’ll begin with a one-word explanation for yesterday’s Howdygram post: EXCELLENT NARCOTICS. (Okay, that’s two words.) Dr. M doubled the dose of my hydrocodone prescription a couple of days ago, and when Sam came home with the bottle from Wal-Mart yesterday morning my inaugural pill got me so fucked-up I couldn’t type, finish a sentence or remember how to spell “the.” IT WAS WONDERFUL. I eventually gave up trying to compose an article and took a series of increasingly juicy naps beginning at 11 a.m.

For the record, Sam worked from home yesterday due to THREE INCHES OF SNOW — which hasn’t melted yet! — and will definitely be housebound today, too, because we’re expecting many hours of freezing rain followed by many hours of ordinary rain. Thankfully we’ve got everything we need to ride out the storm: Cheetos, Ethel Merman musicals on DVD and plenty of clean socks.

Before I forget ... in case you didn’t see the news yesterday, there’s another dead celebrity to report. The United Federation of Planets regrets to announce that Mr. Spock, retired first officer of the Starship Enterprise, has succumbed to an earthbound illness — chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) — and died Friday morning at his home in Bel Air. His ears have requested a separate burial.
Mr. Spock began life as Leonard Nimoy from a Yiddish-speaking Orthodox Jewish family in Boston. His parents had a nervous breakdown when he expressed an early interest in acting, abandoned a scholarship to Boston College and moved to Hollywood. Always moderately goony, Nimoy landed a few minor roles in low-budget films and eventually got so disgusted he joined the Army in 1953. After his discharge he played creeps and villains on TV shows such as “Dragnet,” “Sea Hunt” and “Wagon Train” before his big break in 1964 when Gene Roddenberry hired him for “Star Trek.”

In 1968 Nimoy spoke to writer Digby Diehl about the strange effect Spock and his pointy rubber ears had on women. “I tell you frankly, I’ve never had more female attention on a set before,” he said. “THEY ALL WANT TO TOUCH MY EARS.”  

Speaking as a woman of the female persuasion, this is probably because nothing else was particularly appealing. Shalom, Spock!

Hey, I also want to throw in a Putz of the Week for y’all today! Meet Debbie Riddle, a Republican State Representative here in the Lone Star State who’s so obsessed with everybody’s genitals that she wants to pass a bill to throw transgenders in jail for a year for using public restrooms.
Specifically, Riddle’s bill says that anyone over the age of 13 using the “wrong restroom” should be convicted of a class-A misdemeanor, spend up to one year in jail and be fined $4,000. Her goal is to keep transgendered people from peeing. Anywhere, anytime.

Since it would be easier to teach a mermaid to do the splits than identify a transgender person with their clothes on, I suspect some sort of crotch checkpoint will be required at the entrance to public restoom facilities in Texas. Trust me on this, people: I WILL NOT SHOW DEBBIE RIDDLE MY 63-YEAR-OLD CROTCH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
We sure do grow ’em stupid in Texas, don’t we?

And finally, I’ve also got another Howdygram Einstein Award to share with y’all. Former Arizona county sheriff and certified asshole Richard Mack, an ardent opponent of Obamacare and a leader in the ridiculous “constitutional sheriff” movement, is unable to pay his debts, living expenses and medical bills after he and his wife each faced serious illnesses in recent months. Because they don’t have Obama’s socialist health insurance from Kenya they had to start a GoFundMe campaign to solicit donations for the cost of their medical care.
Mack, who’s the founder of the Constitutional Sheriffs and Peace Officers Association, suffered a heart attack in January and is in recovery. His wife fell ill late last year. Mack is also on the board of Oath Keepers, that right-wing hate group made up of police and military veterans who supported Cliven Bundy in his standoff against the federal government. But mostly, Mack hates Obamacare. “The States do not have to take or support or pay for Obamacare or anything else from Washington, D.C. The States are not subject to federal direction,” Mack wrote on his website. Nullification is illegal, you worthless idiot.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it? Paging Dr. Schadenfreude, paging Dr. Schadenfreude ...

Before anybody starts to feel sorry for him and donates money to his GoFundMe campaign, you need to keep in mind what a shitbag Richard Mack really is. During all that Cliven Bundy bullshit in Nevada, Mack told Fox News about his group’s official strategy if “rogue federal agents” had opened fire. “We were actually strategizing to put all the women up at the front. If they are going to start shooting, it’s going to be women that are going to be televised all across the world getting shot by these rogue federal officers.”

DONATE NOTHING, people. They can haul his ass to debtors’ prison for all I care.

Thank you and have a really pleasant Saturday!

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