Monday, January 12, 2015

Yes, people, we’re a multi-thermometer family.

It’s 5:30 Monday afternoon and I’d like to send my best wishes from Howdygram headquarters, where Sam has been certifiably not conscious in the family room since we finished lunch at 11:30 this morning. He’s still pretty damn sick with whatever he caught in California last week — today is Day Six already — and this morning his temperature was 95.8°, which we checked twice with different thermometers. (Yes, people, we’re a multi-thermometer family.) I just hope Sam wakes up in time for his doctor appointment tomorrow morning.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, for dinner tonight I’m serving the gigantic chicken pot pie that Artizone delivered over the weekend, which will provide the perfect slab of nutrition for my poor, rundown Sam because it contains five of the basic foods groups: BUTTER, POULTRY, GRAVY, MINIATURE VEGETABLES AND CRUST! My pie is already in the oven and feasting will commence in 47 minutes or thereabouts.

We got mail delivered today. A veritable SHITLOAD of mail, in a big white plastic tote box on our front doorstep. This was basically everything that had accumulated after I requested a nine-day “mail hold” while Sam was in California due to being a handicapped old broad who can’t shlep to the curb every day to empty the mailbox. Today’s haul was so impressive that it even included orders from Amazon, Wal-Mart, the Mustard Museum and Vista Print.

For your possible interest, regarding that order from Vista Print mentioned in the previous paragraph ... they made a custom mouse pad for me USING THE SAME DESIGN THAT ZAZZLE REJECTED a few weeks ago when they claimed some concocted copyright infringement on a picture of Lorne Greene’s public domain “Bonanza” face that’s everywhere on the Internet. Remember this? It turned out fucking adorable, Sam loves it and I didn’t infringe ANYTHING.

It’s 11:46 p.m. and here’s what’s going on at Howdygram headquarters: NOT A DAMN THING. Sam is still horizontal in the family room bundled up under Mister Furry (our faux mink blanket) and watching The Time Machine (1960) starring Rod Taylor. He feels like crap, he’s weak, he has no energy or appetite and he’s looking VERY SKINNY. Also every once in a while he lets out a cough that sounds like a walrus being hit by a city bus. I’m glad he has an appointment in the morning with Dr. M because Sam and I both know something is definitely not right. In my own worthless opinion I’d venture to guess it’s a double-whammy combination of depression and flu. Stay tuned for an official update.

Thank you for reading this.

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