Monday, July 21, 2014

Rick Perry tries to look Very Very Presidential by announcing some serious new bullshit, even for Texas.

I know this might be hard to believe, but I was hoping to get through a whole seven days without Rick Perry doing something so mind-numbingly stupid that he wouldn’t bump other worthy candidates for the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week award. I was wrong, everybody. Governor Hairdo is THE WORST.

At a press conference in Austin today Perry announced that he’s sending ARMED TEXAS NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS to the Rio Grande Valley — at a cost to the state of $12 million a month until there’s not a dime left for education, transportation, health care or other non-essential programs — to point their guns and scare probably-diseased refugee brown kids back across the border, which is definitely illegal (but who cares, right?) according to a law passed in 2008 by George “Dubya“ Bush.
This is some serious bullshit even for the Lone Star State and an obvious ploy by Governor Perry to look Very Very Presidential even though his new “I Be Smart Now” eyeglasses can’t hide the fact that he’s still a C– graduate from Texas A&M University with an appropriately-named B.S. degree in Animal Husbandry.

I’m not joking. I’M NOT. He’s almost as well-educated as Sarah Palin!

It’s my guess all this National Guard money will come from the same magic Texas Miracle bank account Perry is using to cover the state’s $35 million shortfall for women’s health after he told the federal government to shove its free Medicaid dollars up its socialist ass. For the fetuses! Children! Freedom! And Jesus! Plus all that empty, feel-good “pro-life” horseshit Republicans love to cry about EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T MEAN IT because if they did, they would embrace all these frightened young refugees instead of painting them as a gang of highly organized tiny criminals invited by President Obama to destroy the United States of America.

The curious thing is, Perry just finished explaining to President Obama two weeks ago at a meeting here in Dallas that the “humanitarian crisis” of “these children, frightened and alone, who left their homes and families, survived a harrowing trip, and are now facing an unknown future” can only be solved by the federal government doing … things. And today Perry finally shared his two “things” for the President: DRONES and WORK WITH CONGRESS.

Drone the children to make sure they’re not smuggling Muslims in their backpacks; then work with Congress even though Obama is ALWAYS trying to work with Congress, and Congress is always telling him to fuck off because it’s too busy with BENGHAZI! or talking to the press, which is maybe why Congress is less popular than diarrhea; and of course SEND A MESSAGE to those evil immigrant children that if they think they can just walk into the United States waving their health records and little American flags they’ll get second-amendmented right in the face by Rick Perry’s Welcome Troops.
The Howdygram would like to suggest the following language for Rick Perry’s next football stadium prayer meeting:

God, grant me the serenity to condemn actual living children, the courage to call myself a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

So let’s make sure we have the whole picture here. The GOP thinks it’s okay to pass legislation to protect the lives of embryos — even if the mother was raped or could die if she continues the pregnancy — and they even think it’s okay to scream at women seeking their legal right to an abortion, deny them contraception coverage and close women’s health care centers altogether. But when it comes down to actual living, breathing children THEY MOBILIZE NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS WITH GUNS.

This is why the whole world needs to know — especially now — that THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS A STEAMING PILE OF CRAP, as pictured below.
Please plan to vote in November, people. And thank you (again) for putting up with me.

No comments: