I can’t eat dinner until the crowd in my bathroom goes home.

It’s 5:30 Wednesday afternoon and Clayton has been here for four hours with a couple of his grout people ripping apart the shower in our master bathroom — for the 11th time in four months — to install a new shower door latch, recaulk the frame, and replace and paint the baseboards due to all their previous work turning out like total shit. Unfortunately I just found out that the shower will be off limits for 48 hours while the caulk “sets,” and that’s a hugely unwelcome twist since I can’t step into the shower in our guest bathroom with my crappy knees and mobility problems. I WANT TO SLAP SOMEBODY. I also want a nap and dinner but I don’t think I should do that until the crowd in my bathroom goes home. What a life.

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So let’s shift gears for a minute and discuss another gang of yahoos in the Lone Star State. I’m referring to the Constitution-loving patriots of Come and Take It Dallas, an offshoot of Open Carry Texas, who gathered in Dealey Plaza near the grassy knoll on July 19 to party around the Second Amendment, spout bile about foreigners and repeat nine million times that they will not give up their guns no matter what. Also, they will not give up their guns no matter what, and in addition they will not give up their guns no matter what. (Did I forget to mention they will not give up their guns no matter what? Also Jesus!)

The following video is hosted by a person named Rudy and features his wife, “Baby,” and a terrifying fake Santa called “The Texas Deacon.” As you’ll see, they’re busy handing out business cards that explain how Barack Obama isn’t an American and therefore not legally our President, that Jesus thinks you should own a gun and how the Second Amendment is the important amendment that protects all the other little amendments, which is their most favorite phrase after “we will not give up our guns no matter what.”

You’ll also note that Rudy somehow gets sidetracked about how he’s “just sick and tired” of stinking foreigners who come here and don’t know anything about American freedom. For instance, he says in shocked amazement, THEY DON’T CELEBRATE THE FOURTH OF JULY IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES!

We hope you found this video a helpful lesson about why the Second Amendment keeps America free, why good freedom-loving Christian patriots will not give up their guns no matter what, and why it’s such a good idea to demonstrate your ammosexual attraction for death weapons at the exact location where gunfire murdered a sitting president in 1963. Holy mother of crap. 

Frankly, I don’t understand the angst. Rudy claims we have an illegal foreigner as President yet he still has all his guns. So what's your fucking point, Rudy?

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Food bulletin! I’m having Costco shrimp salad for dinner tonight with a side dish of sugar-free Voortman cookies. I was hoping to wait until Clayton and the grout people got the hell out of here but I’M REALLY REALLY HUNGRY and it’s getting late, and I don’t want to risk a hypoglycemic hoo-hah because injecting insulin and not eating is a scary combination. Thank you for reading this.