Friday, June 20, 2014

Bad news for lovers of orange polyester cheese.

Let’s begin our Friday culinary adventure with shocking news from the fine people at Kraft Foods: VELVEETA HAS BEEN RECALLED IN A DOZEN STATES.

Yes, friends, the orange polyester cheese loaf designed to survive Armageddon is being yanked off Wal-Mart’s shelves in 12 states for NOT HAVING ENOUGH PRESERVATIVES. Kraft says that 260 cases of 32 oz. “original” flavor Velveeta don’t contain enough sorbic acid, which means your mock cheese might spoil or make you sick. The states involved include Colorado, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota and Wisconsin.

Next up ... those wacky gourmets at Domino’s in South Korea have created a World Cup-inspired pizza with a crust made of cheese puffs and bacon bits (instead of recycled cardboard) that’s topped with chimichurri-seasoned steak, mozzarella, gouda, sun-dried tomatoes, mango habanero sauce, onions, green peppers and mushrooms. This sounds completely disgusting. I’m a purist from Chicago, people, and pizza is supposed to be ITALIAN. Mango habanero sauce and gouda should be against the law, pretty much in the same crime category as ketchup on a hot dog. Gah.
It’s 9:30 a.m., and I’m hanging out in the study for one reason only: Sam hasn’t called me yet on Face Time. He’s still in California and I miss him. Otherwise I’d be in the kitchen scrambling a few eggs because I’m STARVING right now. Unfortunately, I’m also exceptionally tired after a night of insufficient sleep, so I’m stuck with my usual morning conundrum ... WOULD I RATHER SLEEP OR EAT? At the moment I think sleep might win.

Turn out the lights when you’re done here, okay?

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