I hope 2016 is amazing and filled with wonderful things. (Such as lots of fresh shrimp.)

Before Sam and I get down to the business at hand on New Year’s Eve — six Thin Man movies, fresh shrimp and a bucket of cocktail sauce — I wanted to write a quick Howdygram post so you won’t think I’m dead or ignoring you.

More great new fonts with swashy stuff, curlicues, ornaments and doodads.

Hoo boy, guys ... great news: I’ve got MORE FANTASTIC NEW FONTS for you today! All of them were free downloads from BeFonts.com (my new favorite website) and some of them even include fancy extras like swashy stuff, curlicues, ornaments, doodads and lots of alternate capital letters. In case you want any or all of these for your own collection I’ll include download links after the graphic. (You’re welcome.)

A knee-slapping Christmas video from the goofballs at Sooshi Mango.

Hi. It’s me again, perky, well-rested and nestled at my desk at 5:25 in the afternoon surrounded by all of my favorite things ... the Howdygram, diet ginger ale, lots of kleenex and a bottle of prescription painkillers. It just doesn’t get much better than this, does it?

Surviving an EF-4 tornado and a siren serenade.

It’s the day after the night from hell. While the western half of Texas was slammed with a blizzard that dropped 16 inches of snow, here in the Dallas area we had 11 twisters that touched down last night in the dark, serenaded by tornado sirens screaming from every direction. The biggest one was a mile-wide EF-4 (see photo below) that missed Howdygram headquarters by only a few goddamn blocks. No kidding, people, it’s enough to make you shit your pants. I will also include a video from YouTube.

Spring rolls, fried pies and flying monkeys. It’s Saturday at Howdygram headquarters!

Good evening and howdy from “Tornado Alley” in beautiful northeast Texas! Tonight and tomorrow the Dallas metro area is expecting a fuckton of VERY SCARY WEATHER that includes severe thunderstorms, wind, hailstones, twisters, flying monkeys and up to five inches of rain. There’s really not much we can do to prepare for a hoo-hah like this aside from tying down the patio furniture and watching It’s a Wonderful Life (1947) starring Jimmy Stewart, Ward Bond and Mr. Potter with a large volume of sugar-free fried pies from Fuel City in Mesquite. Frankly, I’m goddamn excited about all this even though we presently have an actual TORNADO WARNING in effect for the next half-hour because something huge and frightening just touched down in suburban De Soto, about 15 minutes from Mesquite as the monkeys fly. There is a vast quantity of lightning and thunder and it looks like we might have to hide in the storm shelter.

The Howdygram would like to wish you and yours a very merry everything.

I thought I’d start your day with a HOWDYGRAM EXCLUSIVE ... just in case you’ve been wondering what’s underneath Donald Trump’s stupid hat.

Very presidential, Marco. You worthless twat.

It’s 4:50 a.m. and I’m waiting for a jumbo-sized dose of painkillers to kick in so I can go back to bed and get some real sleep for a change. I woke up about 40 minutes ago for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and realized I was also in AGONIZING PAIN from my shitty joints, shitty swollen and sensitive legs (I have cellulitis) and the shitty sores on the back of my thighs. The following Shit-O-Meter report illustrates my point.

We’re a pair of latke-lovers who don’t celebrate Christmas.

Happy Wednesday night to you and yours. It’s already December 23 — mark your calendar! — and only two days until Christmas just in case you’re a doofus who hasn’t bought any presents yet. Sam and I have no worries whatsoever in this department because: 1) Santa sucks; 2) we don’t drown things with tinsel; 3) we don’t buy presents for goyim; and 4) we’re a pair of latke-lovers who don’t celebrate Christmas. GET OVER IT ALREADY!

I need pain meds, a nap, my chaise lounge, a good movie and the ceiling fan.

Let’s catch up a little, okay? I’ve got two really important things to share with you tonight.

Jeb Bush is happy that his campaign is circling the drain. Because now for sure he’ll get to be President.

Good morning, shalom, howdy-do and what’s cookin’ from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s almost 10 p.m. and I’ve been busy tonight mostly browsing for new fonts — oy, I’m so goddamn addicted! — in addition to eating a tasty little instant mashed potato cup, taking a variety of drugs and participating in my monthly Clots “R” Us do-it-yourself blood clot clinic.

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

Some days start off a lot better than others. This morning, for instance, I woke up at 5:15 with a headache, low blood sugar and intense pain from those disgusting pressure ulcers on the back of my thighs. However life began to improve as soon as I hauled myself into the study for a teeny tub of Idahoan instant mashed potatoes, a can of diet ginger ale and an abundance of prescription painkillers ... after which I discovered a new website — BeFonts.com — packed with thousands of amazing TOTALLY FREE FONTS that I’ve never seen before. For a retired graphic designer like yours truly who’s also disabled and housebound, fonts are the best distraction on earth not counting William Powell movies ... and there’s no such thing as too many!

Name-calling is escalating at the GOP kindergarten.

Know what? Aside from a four-hour nap after lunch I’ve been tweaking the Howdygram non-stop since 7:45 this morning! My latest round of changes includes exciting new sidebar graphics and the return of an old favorite (Pee Wee Herman), slightly smaller sidebar titles, a new copyright graphic, a whole new tagline and an updated “the” for the Howdygram’s banner. All are illustrated below for your possible interest. Thank you for giving a crap about this.

I never leave the house, I don’t have any friends and I don’t drink. Hell, I don’t even wear shoes.

It’s 9:30 p.m. and I’ve got 90 minutes to spend with you if I want to finish this Howdygram post before Sam gets home from work. I’m up to the challenge. I’ve got a nice hot cup of Wal-Mart tea and a full bottle of Norco. God bless drugs.

A great big “howdy” to you and yours. Please wipe your feet and stay awhile.

To be perfectly honest with you I wasn’t planning to write a Howdygram post today because I’ve been a sloth since 11 a.m. and haven’t felt much like doing anything except sleep, design a belated birthday card for my brother-in-law David and eat things. Now that I’ve accomplished all three goals with astounding success I figure why not give typing a shot as well, so here I am. A great big “howdy” to you and yours. Please wipe your feet and stay awhile.

The Great December Pee-Pee Incident and other Wednesday night distractions.

Yup, it’s me again, but this time I have no yooge news stories, no major health issues to report, no pressing political bullshit, no shopping adventures — not counting a cool new font that I actually paid real money for — and no pictures to share. In other words, this Howdygram post is about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am the Jerry Seinfeld of bloggers!