I need pain meds, a nap, my chaise lounge, a good movie and the ceiling fan.

Let’s catch up a little, okay? I’ve got two really important things to share with you tonight.

#1: MY FIRST RIDE ON STAR TRANSIT. I had an appointment this morning with Dr. M, and this was the very first time Sam and I used Mesquite’s senior citizen transportation service now that I’ve got my new Drive Medical Sentra Extra-Wide Bartiatric Wheelchair for Big Butts that’s too big and too heavy to jam into our car. Star Transit was FUCKING TERRIFIC. They picked us up right on time, it was only a minor hoo-hah loading me into the bus, and the ride was easy and comfortable with the biggest goddamn seat belt you’ve ever seen in your life. Everything I was nervous about turned out to be NOTHING, and it only costs $1 a ride for the two of us (Sam’s fare is free because he’s a caregiver). Amazing, right? And STAR Transit will even shlep me to my cardiology appointments in Rockwall! For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Dr. M’s office at Baylor Family Medical Center in Mesquite; C) my cardiologist’s office at Baylor Family Medical Center in Rockwall; and D) our favorite Costco.

#2: THERE’S GENUINELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I know I spend a lot of time writing about my various physical afflictions, but I’m feeling vindicated tonight. Dr. M says I’ve got cellulitis in both legs, and the pressure sores I’ve been complaining about on the back of my thighs for more than a year are not only related to the cellulitis, they’re INFECTED. Such as “weeping,” bleeding, intense pain, bright red skin that’s sensitive and hot to the touch. As soon as she saw what was going on she prescribed an antibiotic and lab tests, and she submitted a requisition for the Visiting Nurse Association to send someone to our house to help me heal the sores and make a tuna noodle casserole. (I might be kidding about the casserole.) Cellulitis definitely explains why I run a low-grade fever all the time and why I’m so goddamn miserable. These are not just pressure sores; they’re a lot more than that. As soon as possible please send presents, cash, sugar-free Jell-O and a clip-on cup-holder for my new wheelchair. Click here to request my shipping address.

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Welcome to a new Howdygram feature! Every now and then when I have nothing else to do I’d like to introduce you to the Dallas area and write a paragraph or two about its exciting features, quirky restaurants, points of interest and snooty stores. We’ll begin with our most famous freeway interchange, nicknamed the “High Five,” which is a five-level stack interchange located in north Dallas at the junction of the Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway (I-635) and the Central Expressway (U.S. 75). The project was completed in December 2005 and is considered by Popular Mechanics to be one of “The World’s 18 Strangest Roadways.” The “High Five” is as high as a 12-story building and has 37 permanent bridges and a lot of weird construction features. Check it out:

Do not attempt to travel on any of these roads unless you’re stone cold sober. Also, the lower ramps are 20 feet below ground level and get flooded after every goddamn rainfall. This is not exactly the engineering marvel of the century.

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And now it’s time to migrate into the family room for a while. I need pain meds, a nap, my chaise lounge, a good movie and the ceiling fan. If this doesn’t sound like heaven to you, you’re crazy.