We’ve had only .18 inches of rain for the entire month of July. Oy.

It’s another hot and sweaty day here in Texas. At 10:30 a.m. it’s already 94° with 50% humidity. Unfortunately, a decent chance of thunderstorms originally forecast for tomorrow is now totally kaput ... which means we’ve had only .18 inches of rain for the entire month of July. Oy. That’s way below normal (even for Texas) and REALLY FUCKING NOT SO GOOD.

Chef Boyardee mini ravioli is an excellent meal when you have no other immediate options.

I’m pleased to report that Howdygram headquarters is finally nearing the end of its big summer remodeling hoo-hah! Re-Bath of Dallas was here this morning to install the glass shower enclosure in our master bathroom and Gary-the-Handyman painted the family room, installed recessed lighting in the laundry room, ate lunch, repaired a stress crack on the living room ceiling and tried to find my missing towel rings.

I’m fed up and finished with the entire herd of raging assholes in the 2016 Republican clown car.

Yo, everybody. I want to begin this post with some SHOCKING SUMMER WEATHER NEWS from hot and steamy Texas. Check out the following four-day forecast and you’ll see we’re expecting a COLD SNAP and STORMS on Friday with frigid two-digit temperatures and the first rain we’ve had since a May/June deluge that left most of the Lone Star State underwater.

Free fonts always cheer me up.

I’m not having a very swell day today. My complaints du jour include: 1) shortness of breath; 2) my feet keep falling asleep; 3) I’ve got raw skin on the back of both thighs that sometimes bleeds for no reason; 4) knee pain; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. Frankly, I’d rather be in bed for a nice, juicy late afternoon nap than writing a Howdygram post right now. We’ll see what happens. If I disappear for a couple of hours I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out.

Nobody in their right mind wants to smell like Beyoncé or Jennifer Lopez.

It’s Sunday, and I’m starting my day exactly like every other cranky senior citizen in the United States of America. With PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS, an ice cold DIET SUNKIST ORANGE SODA and a JIMMY DEAN BREAKFAST BISCUIT on a paper plate with a couple of Vanity Fair napkins (the good kind). Seriously, can life get any better than this?

In Sunnyvale you can enjoy the welcome sound of mooing seven days a week.

Hello from hot and sweaty Texas, where we’re in the midst of a typical extended summer triple-digit no-rain extravaganza. In other words, IT’S JULY, STUPID. Thank God for sugar-free popsicles and air conditioning. It’s 7 p.m. as I write this post and Sam decided to go for a drive through Sunnyvale, the sprawling suburb of mansions and cattle ranches across the street from Howdygram headquarters where you can enjoy the welcome sound of mooing seven days a week.

The Howdygram has another “new look.”

I’ve had one hell of a week around here due to TWO BIG HUGE THINGS. First, there’s been UPHEAVAL and REMODELING and STARTLING COLORS and AMAZING CABINETS IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM and SHINY HARDWARE! Gary-the-Handyman didn’t finish our remodeling hoo-hah on Friday as originally planned and will be back on Tuesday with more paint, extra overalls and a fresh supply of dropcloths. Projects still left to do include: 1) paint two red accent walls in the family room; 2) repair a stress crack in the living room ceiling; 3) attach handles to the cabinets in both bathrooms and the laundry room; 4) install towel rings and towel bars in both bathrooms; 5) recaulk and regrout the tub/shower in the hall bathroom; 6) install a recessed light fixture on the laundry room ceiling; and 7) repair and paint minor drywall fuckups in the master bath and laundry room.

The smell of latex paint gets me sexually excited.

I meant to write a Howdygram post yesterday but it just didn’t happen due to I got a little too wrapped up with our amazing summer remodeling hoo-hah. Gary-the-Handyman is making excellent progress and he should be done with BOTH BATHROOMS today, which is a mildly depressing thought because the smell of latex paint gets me sexually excited. (I thought you’d want to know.)

News flash! Adorable Sam bought our new family room furniture this morning!

This is a HUGE WEEK for Howdygram headquarters, guys, and it’s filled with an exciting list of MOMENTOUS SHIT and THRILLING ACTIVITIES!

Sam wants a big squishy “man-chair.”

As if there wasn’t already more than enough hoo-hah around here dealing with multiple summer remodeling projects, yesterday Sam dropped a bombshell: HE WANTS NEW FAMILY ROOM FURNITURE. AND HE WANTS IT NOW. Holy shitsky, people. More decisions.

I finally decided on paint colors after a week of hand-wringing, hysteria and emotional torment.

Howdy, howdy and howdy! It’s a blistering hot Friday afternoon here at Howdygram headquarters but I’m cool and comfortable in the study with a Diet Sunkist, half an Atkins low-carb Nutty Fudge Brownie — even at the peak of freshness these shitty things always taste STALE — and a creative urge to write a nice juicy post before my next nap. For the record, this sums up the life of a retiree with mobility issues: FINDING INTERESTING WAYS TO FILL THE TIME BETWEEN NAPS.

George H.W. Bush’s retirement hobbies include breathing, sitting and collecting socks.

Good morning, people. It’s hot as hell here in Texas and completely typical for July. At this time of year I’m perfectly content to be a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues because nobody wants to go outside, anyway, due to the following two-week forecast. Unfortunately, it fails to show the humidity (about 55%, like a fucking swamp) and the heat index (unbearable). Plus there’s no rain in the forecast whatsoever.

Even if you don’t see anything going on, something is probably really going on maybe.

Hello from Loonyland! Today is a VERY IMPORTANT DAY for several very large and exciting reasons!

Look out for Barber Foods’ stuffed Diarrhea Surprise chicken breasts.

It’s the middle of the night and I just got out of bed feeling like SHIT SHIT SHIT, as indicated on the Shit-O-Meter graphic posted below. No kidding, guys, EVERY BONE IN MY BODY HURTS, the skin on the back of my thighs feels like third degree burns, I’m congested, my eyes are watering and I can’t figure out how to get comfortable. I just took two Norco tablets; as soon as they kick in I think I’ll try lying down on the chaise in the family room. Until then I guess you’re stuck with me.

Today’s Internet deal? Genuine pink tape that won’t rip out your body hair.

This has been an awesome Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters, highlighted by: 1) a very pleasant lunch; 2) a very pleasant afternoon nap; 3) a really fun and satisfying crafty labeling project for the kitchen and pantry; 4) shampooing my hair on the toilet (details follow); 5) sending Sam to Costco and Wal-Mart; and 6) I can’t think of anything else.