Even if you don’t see anything going on, something is probably really going on maybe.

Hello from Loonyland! Today is a VERY IMPORTANT DAY for several very large and exciting reasons!

TODAY THE UNITED STATES WILL PROBABLY INVADE TEXAS. Yup, that’s right, people ... it’s day one of Jade Helm, the code name for a routine multi-state “war game” training exercise by the U.S. military that has a decidedly darker twist this year due to THE CITIZENS OF TEXAS KNOW THE REAL TRUTH! Under direct orders from Barack Hussein Obama, the illegal Antichrist Kenyan usurper who’s secretly married to a man, the United States of America is planning to invade Texas, throw all the liberty-loving right-wing patriots into Wal-Mart detention camps, establish martial law AND TAKE AWAY THEIR GUNS. And wouldn’t you know it, the nuclear deal with Iran was timed — THIS IS NOT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE! — to overshadow Jade Helm and distract the public. Today a local militia group called Counter Jade Helm (clever name, no?) is warning Texans to wake up. Even if you don’t see anything going on, SOMETHING IS PROBABLY REALLY GOING ON MAYBE. And I’ll bet you thought living in Texas wouldn’t be fun!

You might enjoy the following dead-on parody video to get a better picture of a conspiracy theorist’s brain. God bless Texas, y’all!

TODAY IS THE DAY AFTER BASTILLE DAY. Bonjour, oy vay and passer les baguettes! If you and your loved ones didn’t remember to throw a big hoo-hah to honor the storming of the Bastille you can still jump in IMMEDIATELY with a bowl of French onion soup and A Tale of Two Cities (1935) starring Ronald Colman, Elizabeth Allan and Basil Rathbone.

TODAY IS TWO DAYS AFTER MY FATHER’S BIRTHDAY. Dad would have been 95 years old except he passed away in 2002. This is my favorite picture of him.

TODAY IS ONE DAY BEFORE RE-BATH INSTALLS OUR NEW GRANITE VANITY TOP in the master bathroom. Basically, I guess this is a convoluted way to say they’re coming over tomorrow morning. Yee-haw, right?

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Here’s your chance to load up on the Home Shopping Network’s overpriced crap cookware from celebrity chef Curtis Stone, who isn’t nearly as famous and handsome as HSN thinks he is. For instance, those shrimp are ten times more exciting than the stupid pan in the picture or that boring chef. Only $39.95! And every purchase qualifies you for TEN BUCKS OFF A CURTIS STONE UTENSIL SET! Holy shit! (Who the hell is Curtis Stone?)

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I’ve been a busy little shopper lately, people. Even though I can’t be bothered to fuck around with “Prime Day” on Amazon — you can barely open their home page right now; the traffic must be HUGE — I managed to order a variety of shit I actually needed, as illustrated below.

For the record, apparently Amazon’s over-hyped Prime Day — DEALS BIGGER THAN BLACK FRIDAY! — has turned out to be absolute CRAP. Twitter is blasting them to pieces for their stupid “lightning deals” that sell out in a matter of seconds for merchandise nobody in their right mind would want to buy. For instance ... a Busy Buddy Waggle dog toy for $4.32, four pairs of Warner’s Women’s No Pinches Hipster panties for $15.99 and GoodSense All Day Allergy antihistamine tablets for $11.99. Jesus H. Christ on a soda cracker.

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This might be a fine time to watch TV and eat a few crunchy things in bags. I’m feeling a little clammy, nauseated and lightheaded, and nothing says GET WELL SOON MARCY AND PLEASE DON’T BARF like a William Powell movie and Cheetos. Thank you for reading this!