I finally decided on paint colors after a week of hand-wringing, hysteria and emotional torment.

Howdy, howdy and howdy! It’s a blistering hot Friday afternoon here at Howdygram headquarters but I’m cool and comfortable in the study with a Diet Sunkist, half an Atkins low-carb Nutty Fudge Brownie — even at the peak of freshness these shitty things always taste STALE — and a creative urge to write a nice juicy post before my next nap. For the record, this sums up the life of a retiree with mobility issues: FINDING INTERESTING WAYS TO FILL THE TIME BETWEEN NAPS.

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I’m a huge proponent of not stinking, and FragranceShop.com is a fine place to feed my obsession. For the next few days they’re offering ten bucks off when you spend $50 or twenty bucks off when you spend $100. In case you suck at math that’s a 20% discount across the board, and a 20% discount is nothing at which to sneeze.

FragranceShop.com sells millions of brands and millions of perfumes at TERRIFIC PRICES. My favorite scent is Cool Water Sea Rose Coral Reef by Davidoff, on sale right now for $23.76, but they also specialize in adorable long-lasting roll-on fragrance oils in a few thousand knockoff designer scents. YOU SHOULD BUY THESE! They smell just like the originals and they’re so cheap they’re practically FREE. I have a drawer full of roll-on oils in the study because there’s no excuse not to smell good as often as possible. I’ve got White Shoulders, Jessica McClintock, Pleasures Intense, Juicy Couture, Euphoria and Cashmere Mist. Holy crap, right?

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Now that Re-Bath is almost done with our our master bathroom project — all that’s left is installing the glass shower enclosure next week (see picture below) — our truly talented handyman Gary will be here Monday to get busy on Phase Two, which includes: 1) painting two bathrooms; 2) painting the vanity cabinets in both bathrooms; 3) re-grouting and re-caulking the tub/shower in our guest bath; 4) installing very gorgeous cabinet hardware; 5) painting two accent walls in the family room; and 6) installing storage cabinets in the laundry room. I’m so goddamn excited I think I might have a nervous breakdown.

Regarding items one and four in the project list above, you’ll be relieved to know that I finally decided on the following paint colors after a week of hand-wringing, hysteria and emotional torment. We’re using “Leather Satchel” in the two bathrooms and “Rum Punch” in the family room.

In addition, I’ve been a busy little senior citizen for the last couple of days ORDERING ALL KINDS OF EXCITING NEW SHIT FOR OUR JAZZED-UP BATHROOMS! Today’s purchases included a ritzy new chrome shower curtain rod and matching shower curtain rings for the guest bathroom, chrome cabinet hardware, a mirrored vanity tray and nice chrome vanity accessories for the master bath, and I think that’s it.

And now it’s almost time for Sam to get home from work, which means FUN and FOOD and A MOVIE and MORE FUN MAYBE! Thank you for dropping in. Say hi to the family for me, okay?