McDonald’s latest fiasco? A “nutrient-rich” kale salad with more fat and calories than a double Big Mac.

Happy Saturday morning from partly cloudy, slightly chilly north Texas, home of Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve decided to spend my entire day involved in the four exciting activities listed here: 1) taking prescription painkillers; 2) sleeping a lot due to item one; 3) designing thankyou notes for my new Zazzle store; and 4) playing with Sam because he’s on vacation and doesn’t have to go back to work until February 15.

I also plan to immerse myself in TCM’s annual “31 Days of Oscar” hoo-hah, during which I pre-record all the best movies ever made until my DVR blows up. Right now my list for the upcoming week includes the following:

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6

The Wind and the Lion (1975) starring Sean Connery, Candice Bergen
The Man Who Would Be King (1975) starring Sean Connery, Michael Caine

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7

The Magnificent Yankee (1950) starring Louis Calhern, Ann Harding
North by Northwest (1959) starring Cary Grant, Eva Marie Saint, James Mason
The Harvey Girls (1946) starring Judy Garland, John Hodiak
Designing Woman (1957) starring Gregory Peck, Lauren Bacall
Key Largo (1945) starring Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Edward G. Robinson
Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet (1940) starring Edward G. Robinson, Ruth Gordon

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8

Mister Roberts (1955) starring Henry Fonda, Jack Lemmon, James Cagney
Patton (1970) starring George C. Scott, Karl Malden and a cast of millions
The Graduate (1967) starring Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9

Cabaret (1972) starring Liza Minnelli, Michael York, Joel Grey

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Cain and Mabel (1936) starring Clark Gable, Marion Davies
Pat and Mike (1952) starring Katharine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy
The Great Escape (1963) starring James Garner, Steve McQueen

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11

The Great Ziegfeld (1936) starring William Powell, Frank Morgan, Myrna Loy
Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933) starring Ruby Keeler, Dick Powell, Joan Blondell
Top Hat (1935) starring Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Viva Villa (1934) starring Wallace Beery, Fay Wray
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1932) starring Fredric March, Miriam Hopkins

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Being There (1979) starring Peter Sellers, Shirley MacLaine, Melvyn Douglas

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14

The Awful Truth (1937) starring Cary Grant, Irene Dunne
The Philadelphia Story (1940) starring Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant, James Stewart
Adam’s Rib (1949) starring Katharine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy
Born Yesterday (1950) starring William Holden, Judy Holliday, Broderick Crawford
Sabrina (1954) starring Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Heburn, William Holden
Cacablana (1942) starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and a few Nazis
Jezebel (1938) starring Bette Davis, Henry Fonda, George Brent

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In case you’re starving from a severe case of font deprivation it’s probably time to throw in my daily contribution to the welfare of mankind. Here are 16 more FABULOUS FREE FONTS ... several of them with multiple styles and lots of extras and alternate letters.

After the graphic I’ll include download links in case you want to snag a few of these for your personal collection. FYI ... the Valentine Fonts Bundle includes “Gwidon,” “Medina Brush,” ‘Suarez,” “Holyroller,” “Jasminum,” “Kowalski 2” and “Martita.” Oh boy, right?

Something Wild • Supermolot • Umbrella • Metallophile • Brusher • Love Monster

Beautiful • ORC Horde • Wayback • Valentine Fonts Bundle

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Only in America would a popular burger chain develop healthy alternatives that could fucking kill you. I’m talking about McDonald’s, people, as if you couldn’t guess, whose new Kale Salad has more fat, calories and sodium than a DOUBLE BIG MAC. Referring to its new menu offering as a “nutrient-rich lettuce blend with baby kale,” shaved parmesan, and chicken (grilled or fried), when doused with the restaurant’s Asiago Caesar Dressing packs more grease, calories and salt than three slabs of bread, four fried beef patties, melted cheese and the Big Mac’s mayo-based sauce. For Christ’s sake ... PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND EAT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

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The Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week is a GOP dickhead from Maine who’s working hard to outdo the state’s psychopathic governor, Paul LePage, whose entire agenda has been focused on finding new ways to withhold food stamps from poor people and hungry children. One time he wanted to take away SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) funds from anybody with more than $5,000 in assets — which would include such luxuries as living room furniture or a used car — because people with riches like that shouldn’t be taking handouts. Another time he was worried the innocent children of people with drug convictions might want to eat food. Fuck them, said Governor LePage. For real, he actually tried to regulate the kind of designer baloney the poors are allowed to buy.

So how do you out-douche a douchebag like LePage? Freshman U.S. Representative Bruce Poliquin of the 2nd Congressional District is definitely on the right track. On Monday he will propose legislation that bars anyone convicted of association with a terrorist attack from ever receiving food stamp benefits.

Poliquin’s bill is called the No Welfare for Terrorists Act. (I know. Stop laughing.) It would close what Poliquin says is a frightening loophole in the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, more commonly known as food stamps. Benefits are already banned for people convicted of violent crimes such as murder and rape, but according to Poliquin the ban does not extend to people who are convicted of aiding terrorists. Apparently Poliquin believes this is a huge problem in America, with ISIS running rampant in our towns and cities doing jihad for blocks of free government cheese.

Poliquin admitted in a phone interview that he’s  unaware of anyone convicted of involvement in a terrorist action receiving food stamps in the past, but he is more concerned with the future. “It absolutely makes no sense whatsoever to have folks who are trying to kill us, and have been successful to some degree, to provide welfare for them. It’s just crazy. There should be no welfare for terrorists, period.”

What a stupid fucker. Seriously.

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So this is Super Bowl weekend. In case you’re wondering, Sam and I don’t give a crap about football, we don’t give a crap about the Super Bowl and we don’t even know who’s playing unless you’re talking about halftime, which features Coldplay with Beyoncé and Bruno Mars. (I am completely unfamiliar with their music, however. I can’t name or hum even one of their songs.

The big Super Bowl 50 brouhaha will happen in San Francisco even though I just found out  it’s the Denver Broncos vs. the Carolina Panthers. Which brings me to THREE IMPORTANT ISSUES:

1. Who the fuck are the Carolina Panthers?! I’ve never heard of them.
2. Where is Carolina and why isn’t Super Bowl 50 being played there or in Denver? I’m really confused. How the hell did San Francisco get involved in this shit?
3. We’re not planning to watch the game (“Columbo” and “Downton Abbey” are on) but please tell me how many snacks we should buy.

The only good part about any of this? At least the NFL finally gave up on Roman numerals.

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One final news tidbit before I haul myself back into the family room for Nap Number Two. Howdygram headquarters would like you to meet the City of Mesquite’s new chief of police, formerly second-in-command in Dallas. His name is Charlie Cato and apparently he’s a triplet, as it was fairly easy to find a photo of his two identical brothers on Google.

Frankly, Chief Cato is a little too giggly, a little too jowly and a little too goofy-looking to be taken seriously, and it looks like he spends his free time at Krispy Kreme. Please wish us luck here in Mesquite, okay?

Thank you for reading this.