Happy anniversary to the Queen and Prince Philip!

Before I do anything else I’d like to wish all of you a very happy — and very belated — Thanksgiving. I hope your day was filled with piles of food and mountains of gravy. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH GRAVY. Seriously.

To the rescue: Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl.

So it’s 1:15 a.m. on the day after Thanksgiving — known to Americans far and wide as BLACK FUCKING FRIDAY — and I’m here to provide a complete rundown of my favorite food-centric holiday in real words. First, however, you should know that it’s been pouring here since mid-afternoon yesterday and the current map from Weather.com clearly illustrates what’s what right now. The yellow and orange thunderstorms are moving due east in the general direction of that teeny red star, which denotes Howdygram headquarters along with an actual photograph. The big hoo-hah will begin here in about 15 minutes.

I’ll just have to continue gasping, fainting and farting until I can reach my cardiologist.

Happy day-before-Thanksgiving to you and yours! I’d be interested to know how you celebrate this holiday, such as what are your favorite things to eat, do you cook, are you alone, are you wearing underwear and what’s for dessert. Thank you. Here at Howdygram headquarters we observe Sam & Marcy’s Annual Untraditional Thanksgiving Hoo-hah with an overpriced heat & serve turkey dinner for six from Boston Market — a nice easy-to-carve turkey breast, stuffing with fetal vegetables, mashed potatoes, tan gravy and a sack of gentile dinner rolls — followed by an undetermined number of William Powell and Myrna Loy movies while wearing bathrobes. If you think this sounds goddamn wonderful, you’d be right!

Runaway cows invade Mesquite, Texas.

Holy cow, people — and I mean this literally — I’ve got TWO HUGE AND JUICY NEWS STORIES for you today, and neither of them have anything whatsoever to do with Republicans for a change.

My favorite book: “Touch Typing in Two Weeks for Creative Young Children with Irritating Mothers.”

After eight years in the “blogging business” I honestly don’t know what I love most about the Howdygram — typing it, composing it, designing it or creating really cute always-changing shit for the right sidebar. Believe it or not, I’ve been producing weird crap in one form or another for other people to read — i.e., illustrated homemade magazines, comic books, short stories, newsletters and an early draft of a book: “Memoir of an Escaped Dental Patient” — ever since dad gave me a Smith-Corona manual typewriter for my seventh birthday with a typewriter case, two ribbons and a how-to manual titled “Touch Typing in Two Weeks for Creative Young Children with Irritating Mothers.” It was cheaper (and probably more effective) than therapy.

Marshmallow Santas are the only healthy snack I can eat in the middle of the night without teeth.

It’s 3:45 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m enjoying a pleasant Howdygram interlude with Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas and a Marcytini. I’ll probably go back to bed eventually, but for now I’m perfectly okay with this arrangement due to marshmallow Santas being the only healthy snack I can eat in the middle of the night without teeth.

It’s time once again for Sam & Marcy’s Annual Untraditional Thanksgiving Hoo-hah.

Hello again. It’s almost 7 a.m. and I’ve been sitting here in the study since 4:15 for two very good reasons: 1) it’s impossible to sleep with a stuffed nose; and 2) shitty feet. I’ve managed to fritter away a decent chunk of the last three hours redesigning and uploading the Howdygram’s attractive little subheads (see below) and blowing my nose. On the plus side, thank God the twisted hip pain I reported on Sunday finally subsided because a senior citizen can only stand so much aggravation.