Thursday, August 9, 2018

If you can find time to remember the Alamo, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din!

Hi-de-ho, everybody … it’s 10 a.m. Thursday morning, and we’re in the middle of a thunderstorm here … thunder and lightning and rain! I’m on the chaise in the family room, and Sam is in the garage with the overhead door open, watching the storm roll through. It’s like being part of a National Geographic special.

I’d like to offer a review of Glory Seasoned Country Style String Beans with Potatoes. This is a lovely can of food that you probably won’t find in the supermarket, so that’s why I’ll suggest ordering yours online from Wal-Mart.

Glory Seasoned Country Style String Beans with Potatoes, pictured below, contains string beans and potatoes (onions, too) in a tasty, country-style saucy seasoning with black flecks and invisible bacon. I enjoy eating this for a complete meal just as-is — easy to do, because it’s a 27 oz. can — or you could also throw in wads of chicken in case you’re craving some protein. For instance, from a Costco rotisserie chicken. Obviously this is a very speedy can of food for housebound senior citizens with shitty knees who can’t stand up to cook things any more. (Yes, I know this sounds pathetic. Because it is pathetic.)

A very tasty side dish: Glory Seasoned Country Style String Beans with Potatoes.

I’ll be back in a day or two with more easy, speedy and thoroughly tasty meals for senior citizens, okay? Stay tuned, and please don’t forget to tell your friends and relatives.

The time is now 10:39 p.m., Sam is asleep on the sofa, and I just turned off the TV so I can have some peace and quiet to compose the rest of this post. I often have a difficult time writing when there’s “background noise” ... especially TV.

Actually, I’ve had a difficult time with a variety of things today besides trying to avoid ambient background commotion from our television. I also couldn’t get up from the chaise to enjoy some creative time at my computer workstation. Holy crap! We tried around 5 p.m. with no success whatsoever. I’d taken a generous dose of liquid Morphine ahead of time to get some advance pain relief, but my knees were already killing me, and before I even had a chance to stand up the skin on the back of both thighs was screaming.

But wait … there’s more! I think I’m still being traumatized by this week’s Crappy Catheter Incident … the characteristics of which shall mostly remain buried in the annals of Howdygram history. Sam spoke to my hospice administrator about these issues earlier today. In a word ... she was horrified!

To head off a raft of emails, however, from friends, family and interested strangers looking for details, I’ll provide a few of them here, one at time, for the next several days. Thank you.

When a hospice nurse showed up yesterday morning to change my catheter, she couldn’t find my urethra!

I’ve got one more hospice visit on my agenda this week when my C.N.A., Letitia, shows up at 10 a.m. tomorrow (Friday) for bathing, powdering and general hygiene. She’s amazingly efficient and always manages to get everything done in less than 30 minutes … and that includes brushing and creaming my feet. No, you idiots, I don’t have hair growing on my feet. “Brushing” refers to a foot brush!

Unforeseen emergencies aside, I expect no hospice visits whatsoever over the weekend and plan to spend my leisure time — technically, all of my time is “leisure” now — sitting at my computer workstation creating a large volume of holiday greeting cards, tweezing my eyebrows, writing a few emails and eating leftover dumplings from China City with hot sauce. 

My MacBook is running out of steam … it’s down to 34% as of 11:57 a.m. I guess this means I should just wrap up this post, publish it, watch a good movie and fall asleep already. Unfortunately, first I’ll have to wake Sam so he can turn on my oxygen generator! And in case you’re wondering, tonight’s bedtime movie will be a choice between Charade (1963) starring Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant and Walter Matthau, and The Great Gatsby (1974) starring Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. (I’ll probably pick Charade because The Great Gatsby SUCKS.)

Thank you for reading this ... and if you can find time to remember the Alamo, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din! (Note: Morphine is warping my brain.)

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