Saturday in Texas. Thunderstorms, torrential rain, maybe a tornado and spotty hailstones.

Happy early Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve got a cup of water nuking in my teeny new desktop microwave and a fuckton of exciting news to share with anybody who gives a crap. Do you give a crap?

It’s 70° at 5 a.m. here in north Texas, which is definitely balmy for mid-December ... even for us. This will all come to a screeching halt around lunchtime, however, because the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com are forecasting SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS, TORRENTIAL RAIN, SPOTTY HAILSTONES (not to be confused with sporty kidney stones), MAYBE A TORNADO and COOLER TEMPERATURES, and I’ll even include an authentic screen shot in case you think I’m making this shit up. (I never make shit up.) The yellow star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters.

If I play my cards right I might be able to pester Sam into bringing home some Fuel City tacos for lunch today plus a few sugar-free fried pies from The Original Fried Pie Shop, all under one roof at the world’s coolest truck stop at Town East Boulevard and U.S. 80.

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If you’re old and hungry and you can’t stand up, Hormel Compleats are the perfect little meals for handicapped senior citizens like yours truly with mobility issues and a husband who works evenings and isn’t always home to cook things. Until I bought my teeny new desktop microwave for the study I was limited to rehydrating instant food with boiling water from an electric tea kettle; now I can nuke tasty little packaged meals like Hormel Compleats! So far I’ve tried two varieties.

The Swedish Meatballs include a nice thick sauce and little blobs of pasta. The portion is surprisingly adequate for $2.04 from Target and the flavor is spot-on. I actually really loved this one, especially all those adorable fetal meatballs. I’m giving this meal a five-chopper rating.

The Beef Tips & Gravy was also good. Negatives? There weren’t enough tips and the mashed potatoes looked like a furry hockey puck. Positives? The meat was very tender and the gravy was flavorful and well-seasoned. And there was a LOT of it. There’s no such thing as too much gravy! This one gets a four-chopper rating.

Within the next few days I’ll be reviewing Compleats Salisbury Steak, Pot Roast and Chicken & Dumplings as well as teeny microwaveable cans of Chef Boyardee Spaghetti & Meatballs. Thank you for your support.

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Before I forget ... I’ve got half a dozen cool new typefaces to share with y’all after discovering yet another swell free font website this morning: myfontfree.com. The links appear under the graphic in case you want to download any or all of them for your own collection.

MTF Chubb • Dirty Headline • Bad Gong • Gang of Three • Chinese Takeaway • Karate

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I am, at the moment, thoroughly miserable. My pain level is a 9 and I actually don’t think I’ll be able to sit here one more minute. The skin on the back of my thighs is bleeding and feels like a third degree burn, I pulled a muscle in my right hip, I’ve got a headache, I can’t catch my breath and I want an Idahoan instant mashed potato cup but I can’t stand up to reach it. It’s barely 7 a.m. and my whole day already sucks! Maybe I’ll go back to bed for a while and sleep it off. Jesus H. Christ on a soda cracker!

Please come back later when I’m feeling better, okay?