You can never have too many cold meat forks!

I frequently whine about my pain issues in the Howdygram. It’s unavoidable; there are days when pain completely takes over my life and I can’t focus on anything else except once in a while Cheetos. Last night, however, my misery hit a repulsive new “high” and included all of the following shit: 1) plantar fasciitis in both heels made it fucking impossible to stand up; 2) stabbing pain in both knees; 3) an ache in my right hip; 4) broken and bleeding skin (from pressure ulcers) on the back of both thighs; 5) difficulty breathing; 6) watery eyes; 7) a cramp in my right shoulder and upper arm; and 8) intestinal difficulties bordering on a nuclear holocaust. As a result this was my official Shit-O-Meter reading when I dragged myself to bed last night at 11:30. (Regular Howdygram readers will know that was unusually early for me but I was too damn miserable to stay awake.)

At the moment it’s 4:45 a.m. and I woke up about 20 minutes ago for my routine middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure. I figured as long as I’m wide awake I’ll throw in a dose of Norco, open a can of diet ginger ale and nuke myself a tasty Idahoan instant mashed potato cup just for the hell of it. I’m feeling better! FINALLY!

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Show of hands. Anybody remember back on October 11 [see post] when I bought a beautiful new set of 18/10 Mikasa flatware from Kohl’s? Let me tell you something, people — IT’S ALREADY RUSTING! — and this is the third set of high-quality 18/10 flatware we’ve had to dump in six months because EVERYTHING IS MANUFACTURED LIKE CRAP and companies are lying about the quality. Overstock, for instance, is representing 18/0 flatware as 18/10 on its website and you don’t know you’ve been deceived until you get it home and read the fine print engraved on the knife blades, providing you’ve got a magnifying glass strong enough to read four-point type. (This actually happened, and an Einstein in Overstock’s customer service department wanted to make me pay for return shipping!)

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? When I was growing up my mother had one set of ordinary flatware in her kitchen for at least three decades and we never saw a rust spot on ANYTHING. And when I was first married in the early 1970s I had a set of stainless steel flatware from Crate and Barrel that still looked like new 18 years later. Today you can’t find flatware that holds up to eight stinking cycles in a dishwasher without stains and blotches on the knife blades and spoon handles. My new Mikasa flatware is already gross after less than two months! I talked to Kohl’s customer service hot line and we’ll be returning our flatware to the closest store (on the I-635 service road) here in Mesquite as soon as we receive another new set that I ordered last night, a service for 12 from Amazon with a bunch of ritzy included serving pieces. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY COLD MEAT FORKS!

Please hold a good thought and wish us godspeed, glorioski and good luck. Thank you.

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This is why it’s nice to live in Texas in December. Nothing else needs to be said.

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You’re in luck! Here’s your big chance to impress the family and get 10% off on a roomful of weird and ugly shit just in time for Christmas! Included in Hayneedle’s room décor offer are bozo-colored candlesticks, mismatched furniture, wrinkled window shades, a fur-covered dining bench, elegant plastic goblets, throw pillows from hell and an overpriced must-have red zigzag area rug to complete this desperately ridiculous “shabby chic” look. Meh.

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From the brilliant minds at Gawker media, thought y’all might enjoy the following video clips of right-wing asshole Senator Ted Turd Cruz (R-TX) attempting to film candid moments with his family for a campaign commercial. The results are awkward and embarrassing ... and I hope you’ll enjoy this as much as I did!



Thank you for reading this. I’m going back to bed now AND DON’T TRY TO STOP ME!