Fried pies are a Texas culinary tradition.

Hi, y’all, from the Howdygram headquarters nerve center! It’s 2:15 a.m., Sam’s in bed and I’ve got a swell middle-of-the-night cup of Lipton tea heating up in my tiny new microwave. I have the best-equipped study in Texas, people, I swear to God. This room has EVERYTHING.

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Today will be a REALLY “YOOGE” DAY around here for all of the following reasons:

I FINALLY GET TO MEET MY NEW GODDAMN WHEELCHAIR. Between noon and 4 p.m. this afternoon a bozo from FedEx Freight is supposed to drop off my Drive Medical Sentra Extra-Wide Bariatric Wheelchair for Big Butts, which I ordered almost three weeks ago from Shoplet after contant disappointment and cancellations by a series of Amazon sellers [read the backstory here]. Stay tuned for additional information, okay?

ON THE HUNT FOR GENUINE TEXAS CUISINE. Much to the delight of yahoos far and wide, an exciting new Fuel City gas station, car wash and food mall opened last year here in Mesquite at Town East Boulevard and U.S. 80. Featured inside are Fuel City’s world-famous five-star tacos PLUS The Original Fried Pie Shop, and later today I’m sending Sam to pick up a bunch of nosh for dinner. In case you’re unaware, fried pies are a Texas culinary tradition, right up there with sweet tea, armadillo kebabs and corn dogs. And the Original Fried Pie Shop even sells its fruit-filled pies WITHOUT SUGAR! For old people with diabetes!

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Fuel City; and C) our favorite Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market at Town East and Galloway, which has nothing whatsoever to do with this story.

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In an ongoing effort to keep our fabulous remodeled kitchen as ritzy as humanly possible I’m currently redoing the labeling system for the water hyacinth storage bins on our étagère. Right now we’re using cute homemade hang-tags (see bottom photo), which I’ve decided to replace with these cool black metal clip-on label holders from the Container Store and Avery high-gloss photo-quality print-to-the-edge business cards as inserts. I’ve already got the clip-on label holders; Amazon says the business cards will be here tomorrow. THIS WILL BE VERY GODDAMN ADORABLE!

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It’s 4:45 a.m. and an excellent time to head off to bed because I just ran out of sugar-free York peppermint patties and my ginger ale is flat. There’s just no point going on any more! But first I’ll take one more Norco just for the hell of it and a 25 mg dose of Metoprolol. I save Metoprolol for last because it makes me pass out after an hour. Life is definitely a bowl of high-carb cherries.

Thank you for reading this.