Friday, June 12, 2015

Never yank a scab out of your nose when you’re taking a blood thinner.

I’ve decided that weird is the “new normal” for Howdygram headquarters, because yesterday was just as strange around here as the day before. Last night I was sitting at my desk in the study trying to write a Howdygram post when the vision in my right eye flipped to the left at a 90° angle, and it was so pronounced and sudden that I thought my computer screen had a nervous breakdown. I COULDN’T SEE AND IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. The entire hoo-hah lasted about 10 minutes, after which I began Googling “retarded eyeballs” and “lopsided vision” to find out what might have caused this. Here are the most likely possibilities according to a genius at Wikipedia.

VITREOUS DETACHMENT. This is mostly a common condition in old people and goes away by itself. Like flatulence.

UVEITIS. Uveitis refers to a large group of disorders that cause inflammation within the eye. Inflammatory debris in the vitreous leads to the visualization of “floaters.” The following conditions frequently lead to uveitis: sarcoidosis, toxoplasmosis chorioretinitis, ocular histoplasmosis, multifocal choroiditis, pars planitis, endophalmitis, syphilis, candidiasis, viral uveitis, Vogt-Koyanagi-Harada syndrome and AIDS. Holy shit. 

MIGRAINE HEADACHES. Migraines usually cause vision problems, and lately I’ve been experiencing at least one brief mystery migraine every single day. A typical vision problem from a migraine would be “a crescent shaped blind spot” and “shimmering lights.” I like this a lot better than inflammatory debris from syphilis and AIDS.


I’ve got our latest Putz of the Week for you! This time it’s none other than Mitt Romney — the eternally entitled Mormon frat boy and car elevator owner — who’s inviting everybody in the 2016 Republican clown car to a summer camp at a five-star resort in Utah to eat ice cream, ride horses with Ann and learn how to NOT become president. All of which Mitt does very, very well.

On the guest list so far are: Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey; Carly Fiorina, the former chief executive failure of Hewlett-Packard; Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina; Governor John Kasich of Ohio; Senator Marco Rubio of Florida; and Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin.
Jeb Bush was reportedly invited, too, but he’s shlepping around in Europe right now and probably has zero interest whatsoever in Advice From Mitt On Losing An Election after Romney’s advisors insisted that Jeb Bush couldn’t win because he’s too much like Romney. Which means they believe Romney couldn’t win, either. (This gives me such a headache.)

Republican pundits agree that even though Romney never figured out how to win the White House, he ALMOST did, and he’d definitely be president right now if he hadn’t lost. So the 2016 clown car wannabes can learn a lot from him!

So here’s what’s what at Howdygram headquarters today in case you give a crap.
  • This morning Sam assembled my NEW OFFICE CHAIR that was delivered a couple of days ago. Keep your fingers crossed, people. It’s really fluffy, really huge and really comfortable ... but this is the third new chair we’ve tried in less than two years because they were all crap and they all fell apart. That’s too damn much heartbreak for a senior citizen to endure.
  • I called ReBath to find out how come our master bathroom remodeling project hasn’t started yet because it’s been six weeks since we placed our order. They tell me they’ll be able to call back on Monday with a start date. I WANT MY GORGEOUS NEW SHOWER AND I WANT IT NOW!
  • UPS just delivered the two additional water hyacinth storage bins I ordered from The Container Store for our kitchen étagère. Now I have a million of them!
  • I’m still waiting for a package of Glue Dots from Wal-Mart. Hold a good thought for my Glue Dots, okay?
  • I just ordered a ritzy real vinyl remote swivel caddy thing from Amazon for the teeny table next to the chaise in the family room. Because I’m worth it.

Never yank a scab out of your nose when you’re taking a blood thinner. Never.

In case you want to cement the multitude of reasons why Rick Perry is NOT a legitimate candidate for the White House — in addition to stirring a panic in Texas by announcing that ISIS is crossing the southern border disguised as Mexicans, believing that abortion is a men’s rights issue and that homosexuality is a disease that’s treatable like alcoholism — I offer the following compilation video of Governor Hairdo’s greatest hits. And he’s still under federal indictment for two felonies.

You might want to look back at our post about Rick Perry when he won the Howdygram’s Putz of the Year for 2014. It’s packed with juicy shit!

Thank you for reading this. I definitely deserve a nap now.

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