Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Hey, boys and girls ... it’s time to buy your tickets for the main event!

We’re making remarkable progress here. Today the crew from Kitchen Solvers — actually, just one very punctual bald dude whose name is Randy — attached our new cabinet doors, drawers and crown moldings, and Sam got so damn excited he documented the metamorphosis with his iPhone. However I think I’ll hold off posting any “after” pictures until the kitchen is clean and the counters are cleared off. Please stay tuned for another 24 hours, okay? The transformation is INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL and even better than Bruce Caitlyn Jenner’s “Vanity Fair” cover.

Hey, boys and girls ... it’s time to buy your tickets for the main event under the big top! Two more of the GOP’s well-known assholes have declared their candidacies for president of the United States: Sentaor Lindsay Graham of South Carolina and Governor Piyush “Call Me Bobby” Jindal of Louisiana.

SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM. On Monday Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina — the Senate’s most shameless “BOMB EVERYBODY” war hawk not counting John McCain — announced his plan to squeeze his unmarried southern-fried ass into the 2016 Republican clown car. So far the overall tone of Graham’s campaign platform, which will focus solely on foreign policy, is grim: “I’m running because I think the world is falling apart.”
Jon Stewart offered the following clips from Graham’s big announcement. You don’t need comedy writers when the material is this good right out of the gate. Holy shit.

GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL. According to NBC News, Louisiana’s bankrupt excuse for a governor is creeping his way towards “a major announcement” about his plans for 2016. God help us.
In a field of GOP hopefuls that already looks like a “Hee-Haw” reboot, Jindal has the unique distinction of being far less popular in his home state than the African-Communist-in-Chief Barack Obama. Jindal, a homophobic, LGBT-bashing anti-minority racist who seriously doesn’t know he’s not a white man, is polling at less than 1% nationally. If “Jindal 2016” were a race horse, I’d buy shares in the glue factory.

Anybody remember Jon Ritzheimer, the anti-Muslim skinhead who organized an armed “FUCK ISLAM” rally for Jesus outside a mosque in Phoenix on Friday? I wrote two Howdygram posts about him [this one and this one], highlighting Ritzheimer’s attempt to turn his notoriety into fast cash with a GoFundMe campaign for $10 million, which was quickly shut down due to GoFundMe not allowing grifters to make money from hate. Ritzheimer said he needed the dough to hide from bullies on Twitter.

Today this sad little douchebag posted a YouTube video to cry that his family is “extremely malnutritioned” and to blame the United States government for allowing patriots to be picked on by haters for wearing “FUCK ISLAM” tee shirts and carrying loaded assault weapons in front of a mosque. What the fuck? Only five days since his stupid rally and he’s already “extremely malnutritioned?” You need to watch this video.

Poor guy, he was just trying to make life miserable for a bunch of Muslims and ends up miserable his own self! What’s going on in this country when poor white trash can’t spew a little consequence-free hatred? I think Jon Ritzheimer needs to learn a valuable lesson about exercising his “First Amendment.”

And now it’s time to forage in the kitchen for food even though I doubt if I’ll have much luck with this. It’s 11 p.m., Sam is still stuck at work (big clients are in-house tonight) and I haven’t eaten since lunch-time. Unfortunately, the kitchen is a wreck due to the hoo-hah outlined back in paragraph one and I don’t have the mobility or physical strength to stand around heating teeny tacos in the microwave. Plus there’s nowhere to sit, I can’t get to the pantry, pots and pans and dishes are not where they’re supposed to be and I’M REALLY REALLY HUNGRY. I told Sam I’ll probably just grab a package of Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf and watch “People’s Court” with sliced American cheese and a teeny bottle of Coke Zero from my fridge in the study. It’s not fancy but at least I won’t starve. If I’m still awake when Sam gets home I’ll ask him to fix me a decent meal, such as nuking me three Schwan’s corn dogs.

Thank you for reading this.

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