Wednesday, April 22, 2015

We’re expecting seriously severe weather tonight due to fast-moving frontal things.

Shalom and howdy-do from the vast expanse of north Texas, where we’re expecting SERIOUSLY SEVERE WEATHER tonight due to fast-moving frontal things, cold air aloft, stalled downdrafts, anxious hailstones of monumental proportions and other fancy-ass meteorological concepts in which I am not well-versed. But it’s all on the way, people. Trust me.
I solemnly promise to keep you posted on all terrifying storms and twisters taking aim at Howdygram headquarters. I might even order a pizza!

Holy crap, guys, I’m burning out on the news again. I absolutely CANNOT deal with the absurd level of conspiracy horseshit about persecuted Christians, the Second Amendment, marriage equality destroying the world and poor, demonized President Obama, a serious, level-headed public servant who’s spent the last six years fighting for equal pay, the middle class, LGBT rights and affordable health care. What does he get in return? SHIT LIKE THIS.

MIKE HUCKABEE. In a recent radio interview the potential 2016 GOP clown car candidate Mike Huckabee said “it is one of the great tragedies of our time” that Christians are being forced out of the military, and discouraged from even joining, because President Obama has turned it into a cesspool where everybody is really mean to Christians. “This administration has had an open hostility toward the Christian faith. You have this attitude that’s more about promoting gay marriage and gay rights in the military than it is about being able to protect religious liberty for people of faith. There’s nothing more honorable than serving one’s country and there’s no greater heroes to our country than our military, but I might suggest to parents, I’d wait a couple of years until we get a new commander-in-chief that will once again believe in one nation under God.”

What the hell? This is just another helping of right-wing horseshit that President Obama isn’t really the president at all, that his interests aren’t American and he’s not “one of us.” FUCK YOU, MIKE HUCKABEE. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

MAGGIE GALLAGHER. Ultra-conservative radio host James Dobson is doing his best to prepare America’s poor suffering Christians for the upcoming Supreme Court decision on marriage equality by interviewing a nonstop buffet of anti-LGBT activists on his “Family Talk” radio program to discuss the various calamities that will befall the United States when the court strikes down state-level bans on gay marriage. Yesterday Dobson spoke with former National Organization for Marriage president Maggie Gallagher, who warned that a Supreme Court ruling in favor of marriage equality would represent THE END OF CIVILIZATION and the start of an era in which CHRISTIANS ARE THE PERSECUTED MINORITY.

“Christianity in this country is going to enter a new phase where we are a hated minority group,” she declared, “and I think we had better be psychologically and spiritually prepared for that and be prepared to rebuild from the ruins of the collapse of civilization that we’re witnessing.”

Somebody needs to tell Maggie she might be over-reacting with this “end of civilization” hysteria. I thought the marriage equality hoo-hah was mostly about guaranteeing end-of-life benefits for same-sex partners and who’s going to bake the wedding cake.

ALLEN WEST. In a speech to a conservative group last week in Gladewater, Texas, former Rep. Allen West blamed high school football injuries on the end of state-sponsored prayer in schools, saying that when he was in high school, “I don’t remember anyone getting carted off that field paralyzed.”

“I grew up in inner-city Atlanta,” he said. “I went to Grady High School and I played football and we didn’t have all this high-speed gear and everything like that. You were not a tough football player unless you hit someone head-on. Before every game at Grady Stadium, the pastor would come down and pray before every football game. I don’t remember catastrophic injuries.” 

Maybe that’s the problem, Allen. You’ve got brain damage.

ERICK ERICKSON. Emulating Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich, founder Erick Erickson frequently sells his website’s email list to frightening sponsors who feed bullshit to the conspiracy-theory and anti-science crowd. You know ... MORANS.

According to Media Matters, one email to Erickson’s mailing list claimed that the federal government is suppressing a miracle cancer cure that healed Ronald Reagan. Another warned that President Obama and the FDA will kill “over 45 million Americans … including YOU,” because they refuse to release a “secret” cure to cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer’s. But 45 million deaths is low compared to the potential toll of another “Obama scandal” that a RedState-sponsored email warned could “wipe out 281 million Americans.” What a sad and useless bunch of losers.

DAVID HOROWITZ. Conservative activist David Horowitz told Florida talk radio host Joyce Kaufman on Friday that President Obama’s “heart is with the enemy,” which is why “he is allowing terrorists to walk across the southern border carrying nuclear weapons.” What the fuck?!

When Kaufman asked Horowitz about the U.S. program to resettle refugees from the Syrian civil war, he warned that the president is “importing our enemies,” adding that Obama and the Democrats have “destroyed our southern border so it’s easy for terrorists to get here. All they have to do is walk across that border, and they’re going to do it, and when they come they’re going to bring chemical, biological and eventually nuclear weapons, so don’t kid yourself. Obama is a traitor. His heart is with the enemy.”  

Holy mother of crap. What an evil shitbag!

And this, dear readers, is why I’m going back to Myrna Loy movies and giving up everything on the Internet except for really good shopping. MY BRAIN IS FRIED.

It’s 10 p.m., I feel limp, I haven’t eaten dinner yet and I think I’d like to sneak in a nice hot shower before Sam gets home from work at 11. This is my golden opportunity.

Thank you for reading this.

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