Thursday, April 16, 2015

Today’s intense pain requires a large volume of Chinese food and a Shit-O-Meter update.

Because my day has been a never-ending bombardment of excitement, decisions, leftovers, crappy naps and missing weather I thought it might be fun to take an in-depth look at Thursday so you’ll know what the hell I’m talking about.

WAITING FOR OUR SECOND ESTIMATE. Our appointment this morning with Kitchen Solvers was a much better experience than Tuesday’s three-hour mind-numbing ordeal with a salesclown from Home Depot. Kitchen Solvers has nicer products with a THREE-YEAR WARRANTY, their sales rep is a real, bona fide craftsman named Eric who actually owns the business and knows how to custom-design fancy-ass kitchens, and Kitchen Solvers’ turnaround time is HALF of Home Depot’s. Eric had some fantastic suggestions that we’re including in the estimate, such as: 1) end-cap display shelves to show off our cutest doodads; 2) a built-in spice rack drawer; 3) pull-out shelves for all the lower cabinets so handicapped senior citizens such as yours truly can reach her frying pans and potato chips; and 4) a custom-designed center island with a concealed door at the end for garbage. I LOVE CONCEALED GARBAGE!

While Eric was busy kibbitzing and measuring I decided on my cabinet style and color — the “Hawthorne” in cherry wood with a chestnut finish and licorice glaze — with a black center island. I love those Hawthorne cabinets so much I think I want them in the master bath, too.
Another swell feature that Kitchen Solvers offers: FULL OVERLAY DOORS AND DRAWER FRONTS so none of the cabinet frame is exposed. Basically this makes your kitchen cabinets look more like custom paneling, and the pictures Eric showed me were jaw-droppers.
I’m hoping Eric will send his estimate tonight. Please stay tuned for additional developments but feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime.

WE’RE EXPECTING NO WEATHER WHATSOEVER. This following map from — which makes it appear that Texas is expecting unplanned travel to Oz — is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT BULLSHIT. Not only are we expecting zero thunderstorms and zero “‘spotty hail,” we’re also expecting zero RAINFALL. Our next chance for precipitation of any kind rolls in Friday morning at breakfast-time with a 50% chance of rain that lasts for 60 minutes. Big fucking deal.
A CRAPPY NAP. After lunch Sam left for work and I tried to conk out on the chaise in the family room. This worked for about 45 minutes until a screaming nerve in my right thigh pretty much ruined my sleep, my day and my life. (Please don’t assume that I’m exaggerating about this.)

MY PAIN LEVEL IS ON THE RISE. Translation: I FEEL SHITTY and I think the following Shit-O-Meter update will help you figure out what’s going on.
At the moment I’ve got the aforementioned screaming nerve issue, severe burning in my feet, stabbing pain in both knees and a recurring cellulitis infection in the back of my left thigh that feels like a swollen brick under my skin. I’m miserable no matter where I sit or what I do, and I CAN’T GET COMFORTABLE. Therefore I am considering an extra dose of my prescription painkiller, a large volume of Chinese food and a three-hour nap in bed. Additional suggestions are welcome. Soon, please.

Thank you very much for putting up with me.

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