Thursday, April 9, 2015

Today is the first day of the Masters at Augusta National. If you want to come over I have a lemon pound cake.

It’s 7:30 Thursday morning and I regret to report that I think my shitty mystery fever is back. I’ve been shivering for the last hour and a half and my entire body hurts like I was hit by a city bus. I DON’T NEED THIS, PEOPLE. I’m almost afraid to tell Sam. Don’t blab, okay? I’ll take a bunch of pills and see how I feel in a couple of hours.

There are TWO MONUMENTAL EVENTS on my schedule today here at Howdygram headquarters. First, FedEx is delivering my walker basket this afternoon, and second, today is the first day of the 2015 Masters at Augusta National. Holy crap!
If you’re interested in watching the Masters you’ll find it on ESPN today and tomorrow starting at 2 p.m. Central time. On Saturday (2 p.m.) and Sunday (1 p.m.) tune in to CBS because the coverage and commercials are better and a terrific announcer with a “Bowling for Dollars” voice. But the best reason to watch, of course, is Tiger Woods. He’s already won the Masters four times (1997, 2001, 2002 and 2005), which is more than any other player on the face of the earth except Jack Nicklaus, who is the undeniable Golf God with six wins.

For the record, while I don’t think anybody but Tiger believes he can finish in first place this week he’s still the biggest hoo-hah on the PGA tour and everybody loves to watch him play. Me included. Typically with a plate of Marcy’s World-Famous Sink the Birdie Grilled Cheese Sandwiches on Low-Carb White Bread with Tiny Sweet Pickles, the official tournament meal of Howdygram headquarters whenever I can stand up long enough to make it. Especially today (see paragraph one).

There’s bad news this morning for fans of tasty ground chickpeas in colorful plastic tubs. Apparently the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has announced a recall of 30,000 cases of Sabra hummus due to Listeriosis contamination.
I’m not sure why so many manufacturers have been poisoning their food lately with Listeriosis — most recently Blue Bell ice cream and Amy’s Organics — but they have to STOP IT RIGHT NOW because Listeriosis could kill me. I am a highly susceptible individual who falls into a number of high-risk categories, such as: 1) I’m old; 2) I’m infirm; 3) I have a seriously compromised immune system; and 4) don’t forget my shitty mystery fevers. Thank you.

Big news! Sam is on his way home from Wal-Mart right now with several bags of SUGAR-FREE WHATNOTS! I had a really desperate craving for desserts this morning so I sent him to the store armed with a list and pictures. He’s bringing me several teeny sugar-free apple pies (no, really; the boxes are only four inches square!), a sugar-free lemon creme pound cake (already sliced!) and a bunch of sugar-free Jell-O cups in several of my favorite fruity flavors (orange, lemon-lime, black cherry). I’m so excited I might have a brain hemorrhage. Holy crap.

Stop by again sometime and bring your friends.

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