Thursday, April 2, 2015

The fine citizens of Texas treasure every opportunity to flush our toilets, rinse our dishes and launder our socks.

Good morning, everybody. The time at the tone — BOINNNG! — will be 6:30 a.m. and all’s well here at Howdygram headquarters. We’re expecting a high today of 85° but no rain until Sunday, at which time several consecutive days of rain and thunderstorms are in the forecast ... providing the lying sacks of poo at aren’t making it up to look important.
In case you’re wondering, we’ve had some very nice drought relief in recent weeks and our lakes and reservoirs are bouncing back. This is excellent news because the fine citizens of Texas treasure every opportunity to flush our toilets, rinse our dishes and launder our socks.

As an individual with diabetes the one major food group I’ve had to completely eliminate from my diet is ANYTHING WITH RICE IN IT, since rice is basically a very high-carb food with no nutritional benefits whatsoever. I’ve always been crazy about rice. Fried rice, wild rice, brown rice, steamed rice, Spanish rice, sushi rice, rice pilaf, rice pudding, risotto. You name it, I loved it. I’ve even been despondent about how much I miss Rice-A-Roni — “The San Francisco Treat” — when all of a sudden yesterday morning a bright little fucking light bulb went on in my head. GLORIOSKI!
Now that I’ve got a pantry full of low-carb pasta rice from Netrition, why can’t I buy Rice-A-Roni AND ONLY USE THE FLAVOR PACKET to make my own? I can brown the pasta rice in margarine just like Rice-A-Roni and then add water and the flavor packet. MY LOW CARB FAKE RICE WILL TASTE EXACTLY LIKE RICE-A-RONI! Life is worth living again!
I sent Sam to Wal-Mart yesterday for boxes of chicken flavor and Spanish rice flavor Rice-A-Roni and today for lunch I’ll give one of them a shot. Holy shit, I might have a nervous breakdown. Oy. A million times oy!

Here’s a fascinating bonus feature for you from the bowels of United States history: THE TOP TEN SMARTEST U.S. PRESIDENTS OF ALL TIME. Some of you might be surprised by a few of the names on this list. In my case, however, the only “holy shit” moment was Chester Arthur due to those stupid whiskers.
CHESTER ARTHUR (1829–1886) became America’s 21st president after James Garfield was assassinated in 1881. Arthur graduated from Union College and practiced law in New York City before being elected vice president on the Republican ticket in 1880. He had a furry face and an IQ of 148. JAMES GARFIELD (1831–1881), also furry with an IQ of 148, was the 20th U.S. president, serving for less than a year before being assassinated by an asshole in 1882. He is known for eliminating corruption in the Post Office Department and appointing several African-Americans to prominent federal positions. THEODORE ROOSEVELT (1858–1919) became the 26th and youngest president in the nation’s history at the age of 43. He graduated Phi Betta Kappa from Harvard in 1880 and had an IQ of 149. WOODROW WILSON (1856–1924) was the 28th president and leader of the Progressive Movement. He was the  president of Princeton University from 1902 to 1910and then the  governor of New Jersey from 1911 to 1913. He had an IQ of 152 and never smiled due to atrocious teeth. JAMES EARL “JIMMY” CARTER, JR. (b. 1924) was our 39th president from 1977 to 1981 and has an IQ of 153. Carter graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, was elected governor of Georgia in 1971 and won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 for his work in advancing human rights around the world. (The Howdygram loves President Carter.)
JAMES MADISON (1751–1836), the fourth president of the United States, was one of the fathers of the Constitution and had an IQ of 155. Madison graduated from Princeton University in 1771 and went on to study law. He co-authored the Bill of Rights during the drafting of the Constitution and served as Thomas Jefferson’s Secretary of State. WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON (b. 1946) was our 42nd President, serving from 1993–2001. He has an IQ of 156. After graduating from Georgetown University, winning a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford and earning a law degree from Yale in 1973, Clinton was elected governor of Arkansas in 1978. He has always insisted that Hillary is the “brains” of the family. (The Howdygram loves President Clinton, too.) JOHN F. KENNEDY (1917–1963) was the 35th president of the United States, serving less than three years before his assassination in 1963. He had an IQ of 158. Kennedy graduated from Harvard University in 1940 and joined the Navy shortly thereafter, suffering grave injuries while serving in World War II. THOMAS JEFFERSON (1743–1826) was a Founding Father and total genius who authored the Declaration of Independence and served as the country’s third president from 1801–1809. He graduated from William and Mary College and had an IQ of 160. JOHN ADAMS (1735–1826), also a Founding Father, was the second president from 1797 to 1801 after serving as vice president to George Washington. Adams had an IQ of 173, studied law at Harvard and is probably best remembered for his diplomatic skills. He negotiated a peace treaty during the Revolutionary War and avoided a war with France during his presidency. He was, without a doubt, another total fucking genius just like Jefferson.

Thank you for reading this and I hope you and yours have a really swell Thursday.

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