Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I refuse to leave the house and you can’t make me.

You may not realize that once in a while I do an amazing disappearing act. I’m especially good at it on Tuesday mornings — like TODAY, for instance — when it’s 43° outside with dense fog, our Internet service is down and I have a 9:15 appointment at the clinic for a Coumadin blood test. The point is, after spending the better part of an hour on the phone with AT&T tech support rebooting our goddamn modem I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. Also, I’m in no mood to wear a brassiere.

My appointment has been canceled, our Internet connection is back up and the fog is lifting. Glorioski to you and yours!

I just discovered (not quite by accident) that it’s entirely possible to take too much hydrocodone. I’M STONED. When I woke up from my afternoon nap I realized that I forgot how to swallow and I can’t remember how to type or spelm splek spell an aplstat aposkstree apstropee apostrophe. HOLY SHOT SHIT.

As long as I’m feeling insane, out of touch and illiterate I’d like to discuss a couple of Republicans for a few minutes, okay? First up is Andrea Shea King, Tea Party “radio host” and WorldNetDaily contributor, who knows for sure how important it was for every member of Congress to attend Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech today. This was such a huge deal, in fact, that King announced that ANYONE WHO DOESN’T ATTEND IS GUILTY OF TREASON AND SHOULD BE EXECUTED. We’re not sure whether she thinks this is treasonous to the United States or to Israel, but it’s definitely a hangin’ offense, especially for members of the Congressional Black Caucus, because apparently King thinks they’re the worst of the anti-Israel racists. You know, because they look like Obama.
On her January 24 dumb podcast/”radio show,” King looked forward to Netanyahu’s important speech, which she predicted would be “Churchillian,” and such an historic event that “people alive today, living to see what Netanyahu’s going to say, I believe, are going to remember it for the rest of their lives. It is going to be one of those moments you never forget.” Seriously?

Of the sane and principled members of Congress who planned to boycott Netanyahu’s speech, King said: THEY ARE NOT REAL AMERICANS.  They want Iran to have the bomb and to use it on Israel as soon as possible. “Listen, these guys should pay with their lives, hanging from a noose in front of the U.S. Capitol Building. Because what they’re doing is putting their own interests above that of America. And to me, that’s criminal. CRIMINAL!”

King didn’t cite which U.S., Israeli, or Biblical laws mandate lynching people who boycott a speech by the Israeli prime minister, but as a Tea Partier her commitment to the Constitution certainly has to be beyond question. Also her standing as a racist shitbag who never met a black Congressman she didn’t want to lynch.

Next up is Speaker of the House John Boehner. If you enjoyed last week’s sweaty-palms excitement about whether the Republican-controlled Congress would do its job and pass a bill funding the Department of Homeland Security — just like a bunch of elected legislators who get paid to keep crucial government agencies running — you’ll love this week’s sweaty-palms excitement about THE SAME EXACT HORSESHIT ALL OVER AGAIN.

Last Friday night, right down to the very last minute before DHS was forced to tell its employees to stay home until further notice, the Republican-controlled House finally managed to pass a clean funding bill for one whole stinking week — set to expire this Friday at midnight — because legislating for seven days at a time is exactly what the Founding Fathers intended, and Republicans would rather undermine national security and call Barack Obama names than do their jobs.
Shockingly, Democrats refused to go along with Boehner’s latest dumb-ass plan — just like they’ve refused to go along with all his other dumb-ass plans — because, as they’ve been saying all along, STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH NATIONAL SECURITY. So they demanded that the Republicans running Congress have to give us a clean funding bill, and we’re sorry if the right-wing asshats in your caucus don’t agree but you guys can work that out on the playground and call us when you’re ready to be grown-ups.

Shortly thereafter Boehner begged House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to please save his ass again. He promised that if Pelosi and the rest of the Democrats supported a one-week extension, Boehner would cave just like Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell finally had to do earlier in the week, and allow a clean vote on a longer-term clean funding bill, minus their standard “WE HATE PRESIDENT OBAMA” amendment.

And now ... I think it’s time for a nice hot shower because my brain can’t focus on any additional words and I want to finish the Russell Stover sugar-free solid chocolate Easter bunny I’ve been gnawing on since yesterday.
Thank you for reading this.

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