Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Secret solid deodorant murdered my pits.

Today is SAM GOES TO WAL-MART DAY here at Howdygram headquarters! He’ll be equipped with an illustrated list of emergency provisions so I won’t run out of anything important while he’s out of town starting Saturday. Also on the list are three prescriptions — Coumadin, Metoprolol and Novolin R insulin — so I’ll have an adequate supply of all my favorite drugs and avoid a nervous breakdown.

I’ve had an embarrassing medical problem for the last couple of days. Since there’s really no delicate way to phrase this I’ll just blurt it out in all caps: I’VE GOT A HUGE DISGUSTING RASH. Diabetics frequently have a lot of “skin issues,” but this one is a real doozy! It’s under both boobs — FLAME RED, ITCHY, BROKEN SKIN — and now, because I also find myself battling an allergic reaction to a new and unexpected tube of Secret deodorant, both of my pits are BRIGHT PURPLE AND BURN LIKE HELL. This is very, very fucked-up and I’m NOT a happy senior citizen! I suppose the only bright side is, I don’t have to wear a brassiere and I don’t have to leave the house. Yay, right?
This isn’t the first time I’ve had a problem with Secret deodorant. I stopped buying Secret five years ago and switched to Dove when they changed their ingredients and made me itch. Too bad I didn’t notice that AMAZON SENT ME THE WRONG PRODUCT a couple of weeks ago with my Subscribe & Save order! I purchased two tubes of Dove but they sent me Secret (same scent) instead ... and now I’ve got purple pits that feel like somebody used a BLOW TORCH.

As long as I’m on a rant I’d like to post our latest Putz of the Week. This is time it’s Senator Thom Tillis, a Tea Party jackass from North Carolina, who’s so anti-regulation when it comes to government that he believes restaurants should be allowed to let its employees “opt out” of handwashing after using the toilet to “reduce the regulatory burden.” Holy crap. And I didn’t think anyone could be a bigger jerk than Rick Perry!
Using Starbucks as an example, Tillis said, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restrooms.’ The market will take care of that. We’re one of the most regulated nations in the history of the planet, and I think if we go about it in a common sense way that will solve a lot of problems. It makes these other big problems that we’re talking about imminently more easy to solve.” So this genius has an anti-regulatory plan to eliminate a hand-washing rule and replace it with a rule about SIGNS? What the fuck?!

Let’s welcome Typhoid Mary! After some random Republican asshole working in a restaurant decides to “opt himself out” and give E. coli to a hundred people eating a salad he prepared with his “opted-out” filthy hands, perhaps this pathetic moron Senator Thom Tillis will understand the problem with his warped view of basic sanitation requirements. With any luck maybe he’ll be the first victim.

And these are the Einsteins who were going to protect us from Ebola.

Thank you for reading this.

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