Friday, February 13, 2015

Montana State Representative David Moore is obviously terrified of penises.

Hi. Remember the Alamo? (Just checking.)

It’s 3 a.m. on a glorious, happy Friday here at Howdygram headquarters! In case you’re wondering, I took my blood pressure medication Thursday morning at breakfast (rather than at bedtime) for the second day in a row [see original post] but had a TOTALLY DIFFERENT REACTION than on Wednesday. I felt FINE instead of whiny, miserable, jittery, gaspy, crabby, achy, angry, despondent and surly. However, by noon I was so drugged I couldn’t keep my eyes open so I ate the fastest lunch in history (I don’t even remember chewing) and passed out on the chaise in the family room for a four and a half hour nap. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS. No complaints. It was delicious.

And now for something completely different!

I want to take back all the nice shit I said about the other day [see post]. They were offering the world’s best bargain on Easy Touch HealthPro test strips because THEY’RE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS AND THEIR PRICE WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. I bought five containers of 50 test strips for $6.59 each, and when my order shipped on Thursday the confirmation email said “5 Btls. Easy Touch HealthPro Control Solution.” What the fuck? Who the hell buys FIVE CONTAINERS OF CONTROL SOLUTION?! This is a teeny little plastic dropper bottle of liquid (like prescription eye drops) that the manufacturer of a glucose meter USUALLY GIVES AWAY FOR FREE so patients can make sure their meter is accurate, and it’s something you maybe use once a year, one stinking drop at a time. A bottle of this crap could last you forever. So I called Pricefalls, they put me in touch with the seller, and the seller emailed me a prepaid return label so I can send the shipment back as soon as I get it. THIS IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

Fortunately, because I was still hunting for a bargain on test strips I found a nice alternative deal at OTC Warehouse and ordered four containers for $9.95 each with almost free shipping (three bucks). So there’s a happy ending after all.

In case you’re interested, here’s a picture of my new Easy Touch HealthPro glucose meter kit. I AM VERY DELIGHTED WITH THIS THING. It’s accurate, fast, cute, the test strips are the cheapest in the industry and I love the high-class black case with stretchy straps and velcro.

I don’t know if any of you are fans of “Top Chef” or “Project Runway All-Stars,” but both shows had their season finales this week and I’d like to announce the winners in case you haven’t been paying attention. I’ll start with “Top Chef.”
The two finalists were Gregory and Mei, and Mei won. I have no idea what their food tasted like but Mei’s was prettier, and judge Tom Colicchio said her winning four-course meal included the best dessert he’d ever eaten in his entire life, a strawberry and lime curd thing with crumbly stuff on top and smoked yogurt. (I wouldn’t joke about this.) Mazel tov, Mei!

As for “Project Runway All-Stars,” finalists Dmitry (the Russian who needs an extra vowel), sassy little Sonjia and Helen showed their collections tonight in New York, and Dmitry won. (For the record, he also won “Project Runway” season 10 in 2012.)
No offense to Dmitry — who definitely does a very nice job and the judges love him — I was pulling for Sonjia to win because she’s so damn snazzy and her clothes are adorable. Maybe one day she’ll introduce a fashion line for overweight senior citizens with weak bladders, such as extra-large robes with a lot of pockets. As for Helen, I never understood how she wound up in the finals because her design aesthetic is basically a cross between Amish chic and vampires.

I think I’d like to throw in a Putz of the Week for you this morning. Meet State Representative David Moore (R-Missoula), a dipshit legislator who’s pushing a bill to expand Montana’s indecent exposure laws to outlaw yoga pants and all tight-fitting clothes because he obviously has a few sick issues with the human body.
Moore’s bill is intended to “preserve Montana’s reputation as a decent state where people can protect their children from degrading and indecent practices.” The bill would outlaw any nipple exposure by men or women, along with any clothing that “gives the appearance or simulates” the buttocks, genitals, pelvic area, or female nipple. What?

In addition, men would be prohibited from wearing Speedo swim trunks in public because Moore is obviously terrified of penises, too.

Although Moore admits he isn’t sure yet how police would use their discretion to enforce the law he doesn’t have a problem with arresting people who wear tight clothes. “Yoga pants should be illegal in public anyway,” Moore said. A person convicted three times for wearing leggings or a Speedo could be sentenced to five years in prison and fined $5,000. There is a six-month jail term and a $500 fine for a first offense and one-year jail term and a $1,000 fine for a second offense.

Nothing says you’re against “big government” like regulating what everybody can wear. When members of Montana’s House Judiciary Committee stopped laughing they tabled the bill indefinitely.

This might be an excellent time to get the hell out of here and go to bed because it’s almost 5:45 in the morning and my feet are killing me. Thank you for reading this.

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