Saturday, February 21, 2015

Live-blogging my foray into drug addiction.

Just for the hell of it I’ve decided to “live blog” my Saturday afternoon foray into drug addiction. About half an hour ago I took my first hydrocodone tablet to relieve the intense chronic pain in my knees, feet and legs. I’m hoping for two possible outcomes: 1) getting high; and 2) feeling human again. So let’s move on to the live blogging shit, shall we?

5:10 P.M. I just took a 5 mg hydrocodone tablet with an 8-oz. vanilla Glucerna milkshake for diabetics. The prescription bottle says “take with food” but I vividly recall the last time I tried something like this (Vicodin, 2011) and it made me throw up for three hours. The less solid food in my stomach, the better.

5:43 P.M. I’m definitely getting spaced-out now, like road fatigue or how I used to feel after sitting through an Advanced Biology lecture for two hours. So far no dizziness or nausea. As a matter of fact, I’m starting to crave my leftover Five Guys hot dog from lunch. I wonder if it’s a good idea to eat a leftover hot dog right now. Maybe Cheetos?

5:48 P.M. Big news! Earlier this afternoon I signed up for Consumer Cellular through AARP and got myself the Doro PhoneEasy flip phone I wanted — in MAROON! — and their second-cheapest service plan at $14.25 per month with 200 minutes. (The cheapest plan with zero minutes sounded stupid.) As soon as my new phone gets here I’ll cancel our landline service with AT&T and give our regular lineup of irritating robo-callers a collective brain hemorrhage.
Incidentally, this is a senior citizen’s DREAM PHONE, people, with big buttons for arthritic fingers and a great big screen, a really good built-in camera with auto-focus, zoom and flash, an extra-loud speaker because I’m deaf like my mother, speed dial, and a one-touch emergency button. And did I mention it’s MAROON?!

6:11 P.M. So far so good with the hydrocodone. Zero unwelcome side effects and I’m feeling delightfully buzzed. Still having a fantasy about that goddamn hot dog.

6:13 P.M. We had a nice big delivery this morning from Artizone. This time we got a big chicken pot pie from Butterfield Gourmet, two pounds of braunschweiger from Hirsch’s Specialty Meats and a King Ranch Chicken casserole for Sam from Kuby’s Sausage House. It’s a comfort to know we have lots of pretty food for the weekend ... especially with a major ice storm in the forecast for tomorrow night. YOU DO NOT WANT TO RUN OUT OF PRETTY FOOD DURING AN ICE STORM. Or Coke Zero, either.
6:38 P.M. Whoa. I’m stoned. But more importantly: I THINK I’M FEELING LESS PAIN. My feet stopped hurting about an hour ago (do I still have feet?) and I think my knees are better, too, although I won’t know for sure until I actually stand up. Soon.

6:44 P.M. Tonight’s movie agenda at Howdygram headquarters includes The Court Jester (1955) starring Danny Kaye and Basil Rathbone and the second half of The Shoes of the Fisherman (1968) starring Anthony Quinn. The Court Jester is easily one of the funniest movies ever made; The Shoes of the Fisherman is NOT, unless you consider Anthony Quinn’s collection of Pope hats. Pictured below is the Holy Stainless Steel Suppository Helmet of Jesus.
7:00 P.M. I’m completely zoned-out, people. At this point I can either continue typing a bunch of crazy bullshit or go hang out in the family room with Sam and eat things. I vote for hanging out and eating things. God bless narcotics. God bless leftover hot dogs. God bless Danny Kaye movies. God bless the Howdygram.

This is fun as hell. Over and out.

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