Monday, January 5, 2015

Three huge news stories featuring skanks, food and weather.

Yo from Texas. I’ve got THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES to share with y’all today, so grab yourself a Marcytini and a couple of sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Santas and get comfortable!

DUMBASS REPORTS TO PRISON. Teresa Giudice, breakout star illiterate lying cheating skank from the “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” checked into federal prison in Danbury, Connecticut, early this morning to begin a 15-month sentence for bankruptcy fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud and failure to pay taxes. Her husband Joe, another pillar of society, will begin his 41-month sentence at the conclusion of hers so he can stay home with his four neanderthal daughters in the meantime and teach them how to wear eyeliner, shoplift clothes at the mall and be brats just like mommy would if she wasn’t unfairly incarcerated for being A Idiot.
Here for your possible interest is an educational video learning you “HOW TO MAKE ICE CREAM SANGWICHES FOR YOUR FAMBLY” starring Teresa Giudice. (This woman’s hairline makes me want to whack her in the face with a cannoli.)

WE’VE GOT SNOW IN THE FORECAST. Yes, friends, REAL SNOW, and we’re expecting it Friday morning! This might turn into rain if the temperature actually rises above 32°, but right now the lying sacks of poo at don’t really know, can’t say for sure and won’t commit. (They actually earn money for this.)
A FEAST FOR HENRY VIII. The nice delivery dude from Artizone was right on time this morning with enough prepared food to stuff England’s most famous horizontally-challenged monarch. I’ve got four gigantic stuffed bell peppers, a picture-perfect meatloaf bigger than my kitchen table, stuffed baked potatoes the size of my feet (trust me, they’re substantial) and a tub of truly gorgeous pimiento cheese with lots of colorful flecks and lumpy things. I AM OVERWHELMED. I ate one bell pepper for lunch and will tackle another for dinner, reusing the same fork (I’m frugal) and plate. Everything else has been wedged into the fridge for tomorrow or a midnight snack if I’m still awake and/or hungry. (Or both.)

My stomach tells me it’s time to mosey into another room to consume a large quantity of food and maybe watch a nice movie or “People’s Court.” Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

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