Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Dallas Cowboys have achieved a temporary level of semi-greatness that deserves to be enjoyed with a lot of pizza.

A couple of hours ago I was stretched out on the chaise in the family room for a lovely late-night nap when I got sidetracked by an incoming call from Sam, which I missed due to not being able to drag my ass to the phone in time. When I called back maybe 90 seconds later he’d already silenced his iPhone and gone to bed. Therefore Sam is asleep and I’m wide awake. Welcome to my cockeyed world. Damn.

And now for a story about verifiable Republican bullshit: Four Disasters That Conservatives Guaranteed if President Obama Was Reelected That Definitely Never Happened. Or to phrase it another way: Confessions from the 2012 Republican Clown Car. Pour yourself a nice Marcytini and get comfortable, because here we go!

GAS WAS SUPPOSED TO COST $5.45 PER GALLON. In the Senate in March 2012, Mike Lee (R-UT) predicted that if Obama was reelected gas would cost $5.45 per gallon by the start of 2015 and continue to rise five cents for every month Obama was in office, ultimately reaching $6.60 per gallon ... just in time for a second Civil War. And Newt Gingrich said if the people elected him president instead, he’d completely reverse Obama’s Kenyan Communist energy plan and bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. The current average gas price nationwide is now $2.24.

UNEMPLOYMENT WOULD BE STUCK AT MORE THAN 8%. In September 2012 Mitt Romney (R-Nothing) predicted that if Obama was reelected “you’re going to see chronic high unemployment continue four years or longer.” At the time, unemployment was 8.1% and had been between 8.1% and 8.3% for the entire year. Romney pledged to bring the unemployment rate down to 6% by January 2017, probably with the help of his magic Mormon underwear. Sorry, Mitt ... unemployment currently stands at 5.8% and has been under 6% since September 2014.

THE STOCK MARKET WAS SUPPOSED TO CRASH. Immediately after Obama won reelection in November 2012 lots of Republican commenters predicted a stock market disaster. Leading the charge was the blowhard orangutan Donald Trump, who tweeted: “The stock market and U.S. dollar are both plunging today. Welcome to Barack Obama’s second term.” The Dow is currently 17,823 and has gained over 35% during the last two years.

THE ENTIRE U.S. ECONOMY WAS SUPPOSED TO COLLAPSE. Rush Limbaugh predicted: “The country’s economy is going to collapse if Obama is re-elected.” And he was fucking confident about it: “There’s no if about this. And it’s gonna be ugly. It’s gonna be gut-wrenching, but it will happen.” The U.S. economy grew at a robust 5% in the third quarter of 2014, following 4.6% growth in the second.

Under the circumstances I think we’re ready for the Howdygram’s first 2015 Putz of the Week award! While there are actually several featured putzes in this post I choose to honor the one who clearly stands out — to me, anyway — as the biggest douchebag of the bunch: Mitt Romney, perennial loser.

And now I’d like to call your attention to THE BIG NFC SEMIFINAL PLAYOFF GAME this afternoon ... the Dallas Cowboys vs. the Detroit Lions at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. The stadium is not especially close to Howdygram headquarters, but I’m pretty sure I could get there in about 45 minutes if I had a ticket and somebody volunteered to push me in a wheelchair. Also we’d need a lot of money for food.
A playoff game is a really huge deal for the Cowboys, who were generally expected to suck again this year due to their star quarterback — Tony Romo — being 34 years old with a bad back. But all doomsayers aside, the Dallas Cowboys have achieved a temporary level of semi-greatness that deserves to be enjoyed with a lot of pizza. The game starts at 3:30 p.m. Central time on Fox, and as a bonus the Dallas Cowboys Pole Dancers Cheerleaders will be on hand to shake their hair extensions and assorted body parts for national television.
Thank you for reading this ... and GO COWBOYS!

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