Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Three Einsteins for the price of one!

Hey, boys and girls, it’s time for a multi-Einstein edition of the Howdygram! For a limited time only you get THREE EINSTEINS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE, so grab a popsicle and get comfortable, okay?

ANTI-OBAMA “ROLLING COAL” TRUCKS. Nope, this isn’t a joke. A brand new breed of Einstein exists to troll environmentalists and protest against cars with lower carbon emissions. Einsteins are spending thousands to rig their pickup trucks with smokestacks that belch filthy black plumes of exhaust ... with an accompanying bumper sticker that says OBAMA REPELLANT. Investing an extra $5,000 just to be a dickhead takes a lot of commitment! A sample “rolling coal” video appears below.

I suppose it goes without saying that ROLLING COAL IS ILLEGAL, although most of these modified trucks are probably located in areas of the United States where Cletus’ brother-in-law is the deputy sheriff. You get my drift, right?

WEB.COM IS STILL DESTROYING LIVES. I knew the technical support dumbfucks at Web.com would eventually extend their reign of terror [see my previous posts here, here and here] to all of my former website clients ... and it’s already started! I got a call on Sunday from a former client named Desmond in South Carolina (he owns a fancy bakery) who said his email suddenly stopped working. Let me take a stab at this, okay? Last week when Web.com finally processed Desmond’s Account Ownership Transfer Agreement (a month late because an Einstein lost the first one I submitted) THEY CHANGED HIS MAIL SERVER DESIGNATIONS AND DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL HIM. And I know this is exactly what happened because Web.com did the same damn thing to ME! Thank God I no longer have any vested interest in troubleshooting this crap because I told Desmond he’d have to call Web.com himself to sort it out. I felt a little guilty afterwards but I got over it.

PEOPLE WHO NEVER LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES. Here at the Howdygram we call them Einsteins! This time I’m referring to the clueless crew that runs Pest Management of Texas, whose services we’ve used for seven years to protect the outside of our home from the Lone Star State’s notoriously annoying and frequently oversized crawly things. Unfortunately every time I set up a quarterly appointment their technician starts calling hours in advance to find out if he can come early. In January he called at 10 a.m. (my appointment was for 3:30) and left a voice mail that said, “I need to come over right now because I won’t be anywhere near your neighborhood this afternoon. Call me right back.” We weren’t home at the time, but after I listened to the message I called Pest Management and ripped his supervisor a new one: “Out of curiosity, is an appointment for MY convenience or for YOURS?” She promised this would never happen again. She lied.

We had our quarterly appointment set up for today at 2:15 and, as always, Einstein called early while I was asleep in the family room. I didn’t have the cordless with me but I could see the incoming number on our TV screen because digital phone service is like caller I.D. on steroids. He called a second time five minutes later. Then he pounded on the front door for what sounded like an eternity and psycho-rang the doorbell. I absolutely refused to get up and slept until 3:45 except I had a nightmare about prowlers in the yard and woke up with a headache and a panic attack. I HOPE ALL EINSTEINS GO TO HELL.

I sincerely thank you for putting up with me. I’m having Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup for dinner tonight.

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