Friday, July 11, 2014

I guess somebody pissed in Rick Perry’s Cheerios.

I’ve got a nice variety of interesting things lined up for this Howdygram post but I’d like to start with the most important. Thank you.

I FINALLY GOT RID OF THE PAIN IN MY HEAD. I had a nonstop headache for the last two days — even my EYEBALLS hurt! — that I’d been medicating furiously with Wal-Mart’s arthritis-strength Tylenol knockoff, huge Marcytinis, a lot of extra naps and back-to-back William Powell movies. Thank God, when I woke up this afternoon at 2:30 THE POUNDING WAS FINALLY GONE and I was able to move on to my next interesting thing.

I HOOKED UP MY BRAND NEW EXTERNAL WESTERN DIGITAL HARD DRIVE. It’s definitely a cute little thing (see left), maybe a couple of inches bigger than Sam’s new iPhone, and I’m proud to announce that I figured out how to plug the damn thing in, launch the software and get Time Machine started all by myself without swearing, calling an 800 number in Mumbai for technical support or threatening somebody’s life. In case you’re not familiar with Macs, Time Machine is an amazing automatic backup system that uses an external drive to duplicate the contents of your computer every 60 minutes AND IT EVEN STORES ALL THE BACKUPS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER so you can retrieve an old deleted file from a specific date and time without blowing your brains out. I’ve always been in favor of anything that prevents blowing out one’s brains.

STAY CLASSY, RICK PERRY. I guess Governor Perry wasn’t especially thrilled about President Obama’s visit to the Lone Star State this week. On July 9 he snubbed the President at the airport in Austin by refusing to greet Air Force One and then gleefully attended a meeting in Dallas (pictured below) about the Republicans’ immigration crisis at the Texas border.
Please allow me to point out that Perry recently won another Howdygram Putz of the Week award [see post] for his personal view that President Obama — who the right wing has labeled “the deportation president” — is secretly enacting a Kenyan Communist plot inviting Central American children with scary diseases to invade the state of Texas. My next interesting thing takes it one step further!

A DERANGED MILITIA OF TERRIFIED “PATRIOTS” IS PATROLLING THE TEXAS BORDER. Not only is President Obama personally arranging for the aforementioned diseased Central American children — EBOLA! DENGUE FEVER! POST-NASAL DRIP! — to invade the state of Texas, an especially stupid segment of the right-wing population also believes they’re in cahoots with MUSLIM TERRORISTS. A heavily-armed civilian team of right-wing idiots “American security contractors” attempting to prevent these children from entering the United States had a nervous breakdown yesterday when one of them reported finding a red and white “Muslim prayer rug” (see below) in the Sonoran desert near the Arizona border. “I poked a bit at it with a stick and noticed Arabic writing and was just like, ‘Oh boy.’ I snapped a couple of photos and then went on patrol.” Except it’s not a prayer rug, you freak. IT’S A RED AND WHITE SOCCER SHIRT WITH THE ADIDAS LOGO AND SLEEVES.
TODAY WAS OUR VERY LAST “HAT OF THE DAY.” Time sure flies, doesn’t it? We launched this sidebar feature 39 days ago with the following original creation from Rita’s Fancy-Schmancy Hats, a bona fide retail business here in Dallas with a website you shouldn’t miss if you know what’s good for you.
Many thanks for dropping in today! It’s already 8:30 and I have to eat dinner as soon as possible because I’m hungry and diabetic. 

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