I give up. I need hot & sour soup and I need it now.

I’m pondering Chinese food tonight because I’ve got an overwhelming craving for extra spicy things and a lot of Szechwan chicken with string beans. Also hot & sour soup and little meaty dumplings. I’M STARVING AND THIS IS SERIOUS. Therefore if you want to buy me a present please call King China at (972) 271-8188 and place the following order ...

Large hot & sour soup

Crab rangoons (6 pieces)

Steamed meat dumplings

Orange shrimp — no broccoli, no rice

Chicken with string beans — no rice

One container of hot chili oil

Thank you in advance for your kindness and generosity. (Please ask them to throw in a few extra packets of soy sauce. I collect them.)

---

I tried to take a nap on the chaise in the family room this afternoon but ended up with A BIG SURPRISE FRIDAY HEALTH CRISIS that included: 1) shortness of breath; 2) both nostrils were burning; 3) nausea; 4) a migraine headache; and 5) really hot hands. I was absolutely miserable for about an hour and a half. If you can figure out what the fuck happened to me please send an email right away. Gracias.

---

To cheer myself up I just ordered a couple of wireless remotes for lamps in the family room and master bedroom, which will simplify my life as a handicapped senior citizen with very shitty knees and a lousy attitude. I didn’t even know this genius little invention existed until a few hours ago ... NOW I CAN CONTROL ANY LAMP OR ELECTRIC APPLIANCE from 100 feet away! I ordered these from Amazon for $11.99 each.

---

And now for another Putz of the Week! I’ve got a repeat honoree for you today ... Governor Greg Abbott of Texas, a right-wing asshole of the highest magnitude. Abbott has decided to give credence to a fringe group in Bastrop, Texas — population 5,400 — who apparently believe that the United States military is staging a takeover of the Lone Star State.

Legislators have accused the governor of “pandering to idiots” by ordering the Texas State Guard to monitor a large-scale special operations exercise — called “Jade Helm 15” by the military — that’s scheduled for this summer. Right-wing social media users are pushing conspiracy theories to the extreme, calling Jade Helm 15 a ruse for the federal government to confiscate guns, declare martial law in Texas and jail all the patriots. What the fuck is wrong with these people? HOW CAN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TAKE OVER ITS OWN TERRITORY?!

Governor Abbott has promised Texans that the State Guard would “keep tabs” on the operation to ensure that Texans’ “safety, constitutional rights, private-property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed.”

I find it horrifying that the governor of my state actually believes this ridiculous horseshit and doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do. Incidentally, the Texas State Guard is NOT the same as the National Guard. The State Guard is a lot like the Boy Scouts except with no adult supervision.

---

I give up. I need hot & sour soup and I need it NOW.