Rick Perry’s views on income inequality in Texas: “We don’t grapple with that here.”

It finally happened, guys. I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN TODAY. Trying to catch up after another sleepless night I was attempting my daily early afternoon nap in the family room ... and THE GODDAMN PHONE WOULDN’T STOP RINGING. There were three calls in a row less five minutes apart — all PRE-RECORDED BULLSHIT about Life Alert or senior citizen crap — until I started shrieking for Sam to disconnect the phone before I rip it out of the wall and throw it through a plate glass window. As soon as he figured out how to silence the ringer on both cordless handsets I slept until 4 p.m., uninterrupted. It was GLORIOUS.

I fucking HATE Alexander Graham Bell.

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And now, as a pleasant diversion from nervous breakdowns and/or hemorrhoids, here’s some SWELL NEWS for a change.

I DISCOVERED A HELL OF A KETCHUP DEAL. My favorite is Heinz’s “reduced sugar” variety due to all the carbs (and corn syrup) in regular ketchup, and Amazon had a truly outrageous deal today ... six bottles for $14, the same size that’s usually $3.95 each. I SAVED ALMOST TEN BUCKS!

I ALSO SNAGGED UPGRADED SHIPPING. As an Amazon Prime member I’m supposed to get two-day shipping on EVERYTHING but my ketchup deal hit a speed bump. The confirmation email guaranteed delivery on Monday, December 15 ... except that’s FIVE DAYS, not two, so what the hell?! Right away I did a live chat thing online with a nice gender-neutral customer service individual named Jandivar (seriously) who upgraded my shipping speed to overnight because he/she/it agreed that December 15 doesn’t represent two-day delivery even if you’re a math moron. Plus nobody should EVER have to wait five days for ketchup.

I CAN PRINT A2 ENVELOPES. I horsed around with my new Epson WorkForce 3640 inkjet printer today and figured out how to set up and print cute little A2 envelopes. I’VE NEVER HAD A PRINTER THAT COULD DO THIS SIZE BEFORE! They measure 5¾" x 4⅜" and all you do is set up a custom-size page in the print window and load a stack of envelopes in the top paper tray. It was so easy I almost started crying. Welcome to A Retiree’s World of Meaningless Accomplishments!

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I’ve got another Putz of the Week for you, and once again our honoree is the Lone Star State’s Governor Rick “Hairdo” Perry, who’s been a Putz so often we’re considering him for a lifetime achievement award. This time we’re highlighting Perry’s insightful views on poverty and income inequality in Texas as told to the Washington Post, all part of an ongoing effort to position himself for the 2016 presidential primary ... in case nobody remembers how badly he fucked up last time.

When the Washington Post asked about the increasing gap between rich and poor Texans, Perry replied, “We don’t grapple with that here.” And then he invoked the Bible — because Jesus the American patriot helped to write the Constitution — by adding that income inequality is no big deal because “the poor are always going to be with us in some form or fashion.” Holy shit.

A U.S. Census Bureau report released in September found that Texas, along with 14 other states, saw a significant rise in income inequality in 2013, and Texas ranks fifth in income inequality among all states. In addition: 1) Texas ranks LAST in the percentage of high school graduates; 2) first in amount of carbon emissions; 3) first in hazardous waste production; 4) last in voter turnout; and 5) first in the percentage of citizens without health insurance.

Every time Governor Douchebag speaks at a dinner funded by Texans for Rick Perry he shows a three-minute, charged-up film promoting his economic legacy that “transformed  Texas into a haven of opportunity” with “unparalleled prosperity.” Excuse me? According to actual authentic numbers by the Census Bureau, in 2010 the poverty rate in Texas was 14.4%, reflecting a decrease in poverty among whites to 10.8% but a sharp increase to 24.8% for Hispanics and 27.1% for African Americans. And this inept Bible-thumping clown wants to be president?!

I’ll close with a famous quote by a beloved political satirist and loyal Texan, the late and always-wonderful Molly Ivins: “Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States please pay attention.”