Senior citizens should never ignore a craving for greasy fish.

It’s 3:30 Saturday morning. I tried to go to bed at 2 with Sam but I never fell asleep because I’m feeling especially crappy right now. My current complaints include: 1) foot pain; 2) shin pain; 3) a repulsive wet rash in various locations on my body; and 4) I think that’s enough. If I get really tired at some point I might migrate to the chaise in the family room, but for now I’ll just hang out here with you. Thank you for putting up with me.

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Show of hands. DO YOU SHOP ONLINE? And if you do, HOW OFTEN? I’m an Amazon Prime member and shop at least two or three times a week for every kind of wonderful merchandise you can imagine, whether it’s underwear or inkjet cartridges or Hormel canned tamales. I shop on Wal-Mart’s website, too, mostly for Tide Pods, rash cream, toilet paper, wash, cheap Clif bars and canned tuna. I got addicted a few years ago after I couldn’t walk any more and had to stop dragging my body into stores.

I especially love FedEx and UPS showing up at the front door every day. It’s almost like I have real friends.

Yesterday I received a six-pack of Heinz reduced sugar ketchup from Amazon; today I’m expecting two nine-roll packs of Charmin, Bounty select-a-size paper towels, Epson 5" x 7" photo paper, two bottles of Wal-Mart’s store brand Imodium knockoff and a sheet of Christmas stamps from USPS.com. On Sunday — yes, Amazon delivers on SUNDAY in Texas! — I’m supposed to get the order I placed Friday afternoon: a big box of Epson 4" x 6" photo paper and 100 extremely cheap A4-size (4¼" x 6¼") peel & stick white envelopes.

Unfortunately, part of my last Wal-Mart order has been lost in transit and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell’s going on. I contacted customer service a couple of days ago, they agreed the carton couldn’t be traced and said they’d reship my order for two bottles of Dial Himalayan Pink Salt & Water Lily body wash, pictured at left for your possible interest. Except Wal-Mart never sent an email confirmation for the second shipment with tracking information, so I don’t know if they’re being weasels or actually shipped my merchandise. I might have to swing by the closest Wal-Mart today and smack a few managers with my cane. And maybe on the way home we can stop at Long John Silver’s because I have desperate need for greasy fish. SENIOR CITIZENS SHOULD NEVER IGNORE A CRAVING FOR GREASY FISH.

Thank you for reading this.