Do not trifle with me, people. I’m an Amazon Prime member.

It’s 6:55 Sunday morning. The house is quiet, Sam is on his way to McDonald’s to buy me a Sausage McMuffin and I’ve got A STEAMING PILE OF AMAZING NEWS to share with you! Here goes.

AMAZON SOLD ME A BOX OF EXPIRED KETCHUP. Did you know that ketchup has an expiration date? Me neither. But believe it or not, the six bottles of Heinz reduced sugar ketchup I got from Amazon on Friday are stamped with a use-by date of January 2015, sparking the need for a “live chat” interlude with their customer service help desk as there’s no way in hell I’m binge-eating that much ketchup in a month. Amazon refunded my purchase price and I get to keep the ketchup. Wow, right?

I’M GETTING A RAISE FROM SOCIAL SECURITY IN 2015. They just made this senior citizen very, very happy. Now I can afford the yacht on my Hanukkah wish list.

I HAD TWO OVERSIZED NAPS YESTERDAY. Two!

LEFTOVERS TRUMPED THANKSGIVING. I couldn’t make Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl for dinner last night as planned due to a cold Five Guys hot dog leftover from lunch with pickles, chopped onion and a couple of anemic tomatoes. We’ll definitely have Thanksgiving for dinner tonight instead because I’ve still got that adorable fully-cooked turkey breast that Sam bought me from Tom Thumb. (There won’t be enough for company. Maybe next time.)

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I spent a lot of time yesterday arm-wrestling with Amazon. In addition to the expired ketchup hoo-hah I also had a mild stroke about a missing order for Epson 5" x 7" photo paper. Tracking said it was delivered yesterday morning but the only package on our doorstep was a box of toilet paper from Wal-Mart. In a second live chat interlude with Amazon — during which Rowena agreed to reship my missing order — I ran across yet ANOTHER crazy issue. Apparently the Epson 4" x 6" photo paper I ordered on Friday now has a ridiculous (and random) revised delivery date of December 23.

DO NOT TRIFLE WITH ME, PEOPLE. As an Amazon Prime member I’m supposed to get TWO-DAY DELIVERY, so I decide to rake poor Rowena over the coals to find out why she’s destroying my life, where the hell is my Epson photo paper and what’s the point of paying extra dough for Amazon Prime if I can’t get this shit in two days. Finally she admits that Prime delivery is practically impossible right before Christmas so maybe I should just chill and stop being such a goddamn whiny-ass Scrooge already. (Or something to that effect.) Holy crap.

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It’s time for my first nap of the day now. Try to keep the noise down for a couple of hours, okay?