Saturday, July 14, 2018

Introducing the world’s first Live Blog Opioid Festival.

Happy Saturday morning to you and yours! I have absolutely zero plans for today, and that’s a good thing because I’m virtually immobile and there’s nowhere I really want to go, anyway. Being home is fine with me. I’ve got Sam, plenty of Popsicles, all kinds of assorted canned goods in the pantry, a million reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show” on Netflix and lots of great movies stored on my DISH Network DVR. And after the hospice pharmacy delivers my liquid Morphine today, I’ll have everything in the world! Woo-hoo!

By the way ... originally I was expecting my liquid Morphine delivery last night by midnight, but it never showed up. When I inquired this morning the hospice administrator explained that it takes 24 hours for the pharmacy to fill a new prescription for a controlled substance. (Oh.) Therefore you and I will have to exhibit a little patience … I’ll take my first dose as soon as it gets here today, and I still promise to “live blog” about it so you’ll see first-hand how fucked-up I get. This is a very big deal … AND IT ISN’T FAKE NEWS!

I’d like to do a little rambling, okay? I’ll include neon blue text here and there whenever I need to point out the important shit.

It’s a few minutes after 1 p.m. and Sam and I are watching ”THE MUMMY” (1932) starring Boris Karloff, Bramwell Fletcher and David Manners. If you’ve never seen this original version of the classic horror tale, you really should. It’s absolutely terrifying ... and it doesn’t need any outrageous computer-generated animation, either. I especially love the scene where a young archaeologist (played by Bramwell Fletcher) is alone in the room with a sarcophagus and casually reads a forbidden incantation from an ancient scroll. The incantation reanimates the mummy (Boris Karloff), who proceeds to creep silently out of the room. The archaeologist, of course, is frightened out his wits and becomes a shrieking, laughing lunatic. Oh my God, what a scene ...

Boris Karloff will scare the living shit out of you.

About half an hour from how I’ll be ready to get up off the chaise and get on with my day! I want to PARK MY BODY IN FRONT OF MY BIG, BEAUTIFUL MAC for a while and work on a few greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. I started a couple of new designs day before yesterday but never finished them. (I can’t help it if this sounds boring. You’ll get over it, trust me.) I also want to knock out a few more mug designs, more spiral notebooks, more padfolios and more playing cards, because all of the aforementioned products continue to sell very well for me. This is a wonderful little life for a retired designer, isn’t it? No marketing, no manufacturing, no shipping, no chasing clients for payment … I just design my products and upload my artwork. That’s it!

You’ll be thrilled to know that my GREEN RIVER POP finally arrived. Sam found both bottles stuffed into our mailbox (I never thought anybody could do that) and immediately transported them to our refrigerator to avoid a carbonated lime green holocaust. I’ll open the first bottle tonight with dinner, which will be a grilled Chicago-style Kosher hot dog from Five Guys with mustard, relish, onions and French fries. (I wonder if we’ve got a jar of hot Italian sport pepper in the fridge. A Chicago-style hot dog isn’t really authentic without a couple of hot Italian sport peppers!) I’m so excited I almost can’t stand it. Please stay tuned, okay?

A Chicago original since 1919 … neon lime green soda pop!

Yo, everybody ... MY LIQUID MORPHINE IS HERE at last! The instructions tell me to take 2.5mL “as needed” — and under the tongue — up to once every two hours, and there’s even a plastic oral syringe included in the package. I took my first dose about five minutes ago (at 4:40 p.m.) and will begin live-blogging my experiences shortly. In the meantime, however, I’m pleased to report the following basic observations:
  • The squirting sensation is weird but not unpleasant.
  • The flavor is definitely bitter but you can rinse the taste out of your mouth quite nicely (and successfully) afterwards with any flavored soda. I’ve got strawberry right now with lots of ice.
  • You get an INSTANT BUZZ.

I have to admit … LIQUID MORPHINE REALLY WORKS. And the fact that it’s taken it orally (and under the tongue) is probably the fastest way to get fucked up that God ever invented. I’m also thrilled that I can take it again and again in two-hour intervals, although I doubt that I’ll ever take it when I’m lying on the chaise because I never experience any pain when I’m lying down. I do, however, experience significant pain when I’m sitting on the bench at my computer workstation, typically in my knees and (most of all) the wretched skin on the back of my thighs, and many times I’ve had to cut short my design time by several hours because I can’t stop squirming or trying to get comfortable. Liquid morphine to the rescue!

I took my first dose today at 4:40 p.m. and a second dose at a few minutes ago at 7:10, a two-hour-20-minute interval. Pain relief is almost instant, although I do detect that my typing accuracy is suffering gralety graetlu greatlle rgaetly A LOT.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I was on strike where deplorable politics were concerned and wouldn’t waste another inch of space in the Howdygram with any news relating to Donald J. Trump.

And then he went to England. God bless the Brits.

With a comical baby blimp flying above hundreds of thousands of protestors in London and Scotland, the citizens of Great Britain made it loud and clear who they hate: DONALD TRUMP. And in case you missed Trump’s press Q&A yesterday with Prime Minister Theresa May, I’d like to share one of his jaw-dropping responses.

BRITISH REPORTER: Prime Minister, I wonder whether you agree with the President of the United States that immigration has damaged the cultural fabric of Europe and Mr. President perhaps you could elaborate. What do you mean by that?

DONALD TRUMP: I think it’s been very bad for Europe. I think Europe is a place I know very well and I think that what has happened is very tough. It’s a very tough situation. You see the same terror attacks that I do. We see them a lot. We just left some incredible young men and women at Sandhurst and they were showing us cells and they were showing us things that frankly 20 years ago nobody even thought about, probably a lot more recently nobody even thought about, I just think it’s changing the culture. I think it’s a negative thing for Europe. I think it’s very negative. I think having Germany, I have a great relationship with Angela Merkel, great relationship but I think that’s very much hurt Germany and I think it’s very much hurt other parts of Europe. And I know it’s politically not necessarily correct to say that but I’ll say it and I’ll say it loud and I think they better watch themselves because you are changing culture, you are changing a lot of things, you’re changing security, you changing, I mean, look at what’s happening. You take a look. Look at what’s happening to different countries that never had difficulty, never had problems, it’s a very sad situation, very unfortunate, but I do not think it’s good for Europe and I don’t think it’s good for our country. We’re as you know far superior to anything that’s happened before, but we have very bad immigration laws and we’re, I mean, we’re doing incredibly well considering the fact that we virtually don’t have immigration laws, we have laws that are so bad I don’t even call them laws. I call them, it’s just like you walk across the border, you walk across the border, just put one foot on the land and now you’re tied up in a lawsuit for five years. The craziest thing anyone has seen so I would just make that recommendation to Europe. I’ve made it very loud and clear, I made it yesterday, 29 countries total and that’s the way I feel. England is a beautiful name. Too bad you don’t hear it any more.

WHAT A FUCKING “MORAN.” Donald Trump is a pathetic excuse for a world leader and a pathetic excuse for a human being.

It’s presently 11:35 p.m. and I keep falling asleep with my laptop. I moved back to the chaise from my iMac workstation about half an hour ago … and now I’ve got double vision, a creeping migraine headache and I’m not sure what else, but I’m VERY uncomfortable. I think this might be related to the liquid Morphine hoo-hah. And one more thing: I’m nauseated, too.

I think I should do something smart for once, and shut down my MacBook and rest my eyes. So thank you for reading this … and have a nice life, okay?

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