Friday, July 27, 2018

I want Fake Salisbury Steaks for dinner tonight with Immediate Wonderful Gravy.

THURSDAY, JULY 26, 2018, 5:03 P.M. Wondering what’s new at Howdygram headquarters today? I guess you’ve come to the right place, people, because there’s more than enough to tell. For starters, it’s been a day of aches and pains and demented discoveries, each introduced here with a teeny neon subtitle. Thank you.

WEIRD LITTLE CHEST PAINS that were not actually caused by a heart attack, per se, but more like lousy, stabby GAS that’s smooshed between my breasts. These occurred on and off for the better part of an hour, up to and including the moment that I finally asked Sam to make a light supper for me. This was a vile new Campbell’s Chunky variety called ”WICKED THAI STYLE” that turned out to be virtually inedible after the first mouthful. I’m not sure what was wrong with it, to tell you the truth, but I couldn’t eat this crap at all … and I’m world-famous for usually eating damn near anything, all manner of crap included.

My wonderful visiting podiatrist showed up on time for my quarterly checkup, shortly before noon, to trim my diabetic toenails and announce that he didn’t like the way the bottom of my left heel looked … the same heel that had a nasty bleeding “ulcer” on it a couple of months ago. So … the doctor REMOVED SOME TISSUE FOR A BIOPSY and said it would take about three weeks to get results from the culture. Oh my God, I’m absolutely FREAKING OUT here! Do I really need something else to worry about … in addition to: 1) I CAN’T WALK any more; 2) MY STOMACH IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY (due to a wet rash) all over the fucking place, which is most likely Webster’s exact definition of “profusely”; 3) IVE BEEN COMPLETELY HOUSEBOUND for more than six years; 4) I don’t have enough napkins or paper towels at my computer workstation to mop up the mess from item #2; and 5) feeling GENERALLY MISERABLE, not extremely happy, messy and grotesque.

It’s a few minutes past 10 p.m. now, Sam is napping on the sofa and I still haven’t eaten anything at all for dinner. At this point I’ll probably just request the same late-night gourmet hoo-hah I enjoyed 24 hours ago … Spaghetti Os, PICKLED BEETS WITH SOUR CREAM and a couple of Popsicles.

For entertainment at Howdygram headquarters this evening I’ve been enjoying The Day of the Jackal (1973) starring Edward Fox, which is the screen adaptation of author Frederick Forsyth’s thriller about an attempt to assassinate French President Charles de Gaulle. (One of my favorite movies, by the way ... and also one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors!) As soon as the movie ends I’ll follow up with a few episodes of “The People’s Court,” which is a terrific form of late-night television therapy ... especially if Sam is asleep or out of the room, because he’s not really a huge fan of court show reruns. (He may have a point, although sometimes it’s still fun to guess the verdict of a case, regardless.)

FRIDAY, JULY 27, 2018, 11:09 A.M. Having just completed my Friday morning bathing festivities with Letitia, my hospice C.N.A., I’m finding it very pleasant to lie here on the chaise like a large, well-powdered lump, watching Harvey (1950) starring James Stewart and Josephine Hull. (Jesus, what an idiotic sentence.)

I also think it might be fun, helpful and downright fabulous to plan what’s for lunch and dinner today, so when Sam asks me what I want I’ll be well-prepared with answers. For lunch, therefore, I think I’d like several Pillsbury Grands biscuits — fresh from the oven! — with a ridiculous amount of butter. We buy our biscuits frozen now, in big bags from Wal-Mart, which makes much better sense for a family of two than buying biscuits in those weird refrigerated cans that you have to whack on the kitchen counter. (You know what I’m referring to, right?) So that’s what I want for lunch. Biscuits.

As for dinner, I think I’d enjoy Fake Salisbury Steaks with Immediate Wonderful Gravy. This involves nuking two frozen fully-cooked grilled Angus burgers (from Costco), and the Immediate Wonderful Gravy is prepared thusly: You take one can of Campbell’s Brown Gravy with Legitimate Onions, pour it into a glass measuring cup, throw in one small jar of Green Giant mushrooms and heat it up. You get PERFECT GRAVY for Fake Salisbury Steaks!

The perfect starting point for Immediate Wonderful Gravy.

I think mashed potatoes would be a fine side dish, but I’m pretty sure we don’t have any … so I’ll suggest frozen steak fries instead. (We always have frozen steak fries.)

Thank you for reading this, and next time you’re in the neighborhood please try to swing by the Alamo for a couple of beers.

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