Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Ever notice how just about all the citizens of Mayberry are single women except for Barney and Andy?

Welcome to the crack of dawn at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 2:03 a.m. and I’m not sleepy following three short but very effective naps, the last of which ended at 11:50 p.m. last night. So let’s just say I’m not tired any more and we’ll let it go at that, okay? I’m comfortably positioned on my chaise in the family room with a convenient glass of Golden Peach soda on ice. If I need anything I can always wait an hour or two until Sam wakes up … usually around 3:30 a.m. Yes, we keep insane hours around here.

Today’s crazy-busy agenda will include all of the following events ...
  • MY HOSPICE C.N.A. will be here at 10 a.m. for bathing, powdering and general hygiene. This takes about 20 minutes. She also covers my footies with cream!
  • Our MAID comes at 12:30 p.m. to clean the house, which takes about an hour and 45 minutes.
  • Sam wants to SHAMPOO THE FAMILY ROOM CARPETING as soon as the maid leaves. We have our own Bissell shampooer, which means we don’t have to rent one from Lowe’s every time somebody spills spaghetti (or drops a Popsicle).
  • I have to write four really IMPORTANT EMAILS today. I keep forgetting (short-term memory loss is a side effect of my medications and also because I’m an old coot) to write to one girlfriend, my only sister and two cousins … AND I’m also having an issue with hand tremors right now, making it practically impossible to type. For instance, if I hold my hands steady in a standard “typing position” over the keyboard, my fingers will strike “f” and “a” and “n” repeatedly. It’s like I’m a human Ouija board. Jesus.
  • I seriously can’t wait to EAT LUNCH today because my can of Banner Sausage (CANNED SAUSAGE! Woo-hoo!) was in yesterday’s Wal-Mart delivery … along with my chicken gravy, tartar sauce, Wal-Mart’s country gravy with sausage flecks, cocktail sauce, and a big jar of lovely brown au jus, for when I eat beef. Typically that would be [RECIPE ALERT] an Angus hamburger patty (from Costo’s freezer case) on white bread with a jar of teeny mushrooms on scattered on top. That’s mighty fine eatin’!

About that can of Banner Sausage in yesterday’s Wal-Mart order, it should be considered against the law to sell DOG FOOD to human beings. What a terrifying product! I asked Sam to open the can and hand me a plastic fork for a taste-test, which I can describe in two words: SLIMY, GREASY AND MUSHY. (Okay, three words.) Nothing about Banner Sausage resembled actual sausage in any way, shape or form, and it certainly isn’t food for human beings. It didn’t taste like sausage, it didn’t look like sausage and it didn’t smell like sausage, either. We threw it in the trash.
I’d also like to add the following observation. The product label illustrates sausage patties and eggs, but there’s no conceivable way this product can be manipulated into patties because it’s runny, oily and sloppy. Thank you.

Actually, this headline is a little misleading because I’M ON STRIKE and have nothing whatsoever to say these days on the subject of politicsdeplorable or otherwise! I’m sick of Donald Trump and his Fascist right-wing coup, his slippery, money-grubbing children, the underhanded politics of the Republican party, their back-room deals, Russian meddling, that disgusting Mitch McConnell and the GOP’s outrageous conspiracy to stack the Supreme Court. I’m a housebound old coot with a catheter bag, and I have enough on my plate right now without worrying about that horseshit. Therefore, for the present time I will NOT be discussing any additional deplorable politics, and Sam and I have agreed to ban politics at home, too. Frankly, it’s amazing how Morphine can help an old lady blot out anything!

I hope you’ll allow me the luxury of a few ramblings now … and just for fun I’ll toss in neon blue highlighted text once in a while so you’ll know what the hell I’m talking about. And also because neon blue highlighted text is fun for me, and I deserve all the goddamn fun I can get these days. I ATE LUNCH about 20 minutes ago, and it was speedy, uncomplicated and ideal for the hungry senior citizen in your life! I asked Sam to nuke a Hormel Compleats Salisbury Steak with Coagulated Gravy and Limp Potatoes. For dessert I had two sugar-free Popsicles (grape and orange). Glorioski! I’m not sure yet what I’ll want for DINNER TONIGHT, however at the moment I’m leaning towards a package of Stove Top Chicken Stuffing with a few Green Giant whole mushrooms ... because I love those damn little things. Too bad I have trouble chewing them without any lower teeth, however. And I can’t wait to try that new can of Campbell’s Chicken Gravy from Wal-Mart.

 A perfect lunch for senior citizens … Hormel Compleats and a large volume of Popsicles.

Our maid finished up about half an hour ago, and as I write this post SAM IS SHAMPOOING THE CARPET in the family room, which also happens to be where I’m lying down on the chaise with my MacBook balanced on my stomach! (I love the scent of Bissell’s carpet shampoo.) After the carpet has a chance to dry for a little while I’d like Sam’s help MOVING TO THE BENCH so I can sit up at my iMac workstation for a few hours and design things. In this case, “help” would include relocating my catheter bag and adjusting the cord so I’m not sitting on it … both of which are exceptionally important whenever I get up. I’m OVERDOSING ON POPSICLES today. So far I’ve had a grape, an orange, a pineapple and another with an indescribable flavor that might be citrus, but I can’t tell. I also had one little container of Luigi’s Italian Ice. (It was lemon.)

Sam and I are binge-watching TWILIGHT ZONE episodes on Netflix again this afternoon. I’ve never seen any of these before … but apparently Sam remembers all of them. When we get tired of science fiction we’ll move along to “THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW … although in a way I guess Mayberry is science fiction, too. Ever notice how just about all the citizens are single women except for Barney and Andy?

I’ve got four lovely FREE FONTS for you today. I think my favorite is “Infusion,” because it has an old world, hand-lettered charm to it … and several styles that can be layered. I LOVE LAYERED FONTS! Which also brings me to “Baro,” another font with multiple styles for layering. “Meow” has five styles that are actually different fonts altogether … all of them adorable. I’ll include download links below the graphic in case you want any of these for your personal collection.

It’s 7:30 p.m. and I’ve got a mild headache (maybe from hunger) … so I just woke Sam and asked him to make Stove Top Chicken Stuffing for me. He didn’t seem thrilled, but I promised him it wouldn’t be “complicated” tonight … i.e., no add-in ingredients like cut-up chicken or a jar of mushrooms. Just stuffing, that’s all. I also told him to nuke my can of Campbell’s Chicken Gravy in a measuring cup, although right now I don’t think he even knows where the kitchen is. (Poor Sam is a wreck when he wakes up!)

Thank you for reading this and thank you for remembering the Alamo … I don’t have the patience for anything else tonight. Seriously.

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