Friday, April 6, 2018

And the good news is … I’ve finally recovered from last night’s marathon Poop-O-Rama!

THURSDAY, 7:15 P.M., 4/5/2018. I haven’t had a very good day. Actually, it’s been downright CRAPPY. My assorted crises have been, so far: 1) four episodes of an uncontrollable bladder; 2) one intestinal explosion of nuclear proportions; 3) a bleeding, wet rash on various parts of my body that are none of your business; and 4) severe chronic pain that includes a screaming baby toe on my left foot, burning on the bottoms of both heels, burning skin on the back of both thighs and agonizing arthritic knees. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m clearly a “10” today … even with extra pain meds. It absolutely sucks. And it hasn’t been very easy on Sam, either.

Late this afternoon I called my podiatrist’s office and asked for an emergency appointment (he sees me at home, just like all my other doctors) because there has to be a solution for my screaming baby toe. The pain is absolutely excruciating. Last time Dr. Duran was here — about six weeks ago — he removed a huge corn and an ingrown toenail that grew back 15 minutes after he drove away. There has to be more going on down there. I’ll let you know when the doctor will be back to see me and what he decides to do. Stay tuned for additional developments but please feel free to floss regularly and resume your normal activities in the meantime.

FRIDAY, 5:02 A.M., 4/6/2018. My miserable, crappy Thursday stretched into Friday morning with three more intestinal explosions. I’m positive this was food poisoning, although I have no idea what might have poisoned me. I was up ALL NIGHT LONG with nuclear poo and severe stomach cramps … and poor Sam stayed up with me because I always need his help shlepping back and forth from the chaise to the commode. Finally, at 4:15 a.m. my third dose of Imodium did the trick. (I feel human again. I want chicken noodle soup and a banana.)

For all you “Project Runway” fans … last night Anthony Williams won “Project Runway All Stars.” Anthony has always been my favorite designer. He showed a stunning seven-look collection, and for once I actually agreed with the judges. Anthony won! ANTHONY WON! He took home $100,000 in cash, a bunch of ritzy sewing machines, free makeup and hair services for his runway shows for a whole year, and he gets to write a fashion column for Marie Claire magazine. MAZEL TOV, ANTHONY!

Anthony Williams won Project Runway All Stars last night.

FRIDAY, 12:35 P.M. And the good news is … I’ve finally recovered from last night’s marathon Poop-O-Rama! I feel limp and awfully tired, but the stomach pains have abated at last and I hope I don’t have to look at my goddamn commode for at least 24 hours.

In case you’re interested, my calendar for the week ahead is as follows: 1) on Monday, visits from my Baylor HouseCalls nurse practitioner and Elite Mobile Dental delivering my new lower denture; 2) on Tuesday, a visit from Dr. Munson (Mobile Vision) to adjust my new progressive trifocals; 3) on Wednesday, a visit from Debra with Comfort Keepers Home Health so we can discuss their daily and weekly pricing for a home health aide. I’m also hoping to squeeze in a visit from Dr. Duran (my mobile podiatrist), because the deformed baby toe on my left foot has been screaming at me since the middle of March. IT HURTS LIKE HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!

My project du jour is BARIATRIC POWER WHEELCHAIRS … features, pricing and so on. I need something to help me get around at home because it’s pretty clear now that my mobility difficulties are only getting worse, not better. Dr. Duran’s office (they just called) says I need surgery to alleviate the deformity in my toe, and since I already told him that surgery is out of the question, we have to move on to Plan B … a power wheelchair. This is the kind of hoo-hah I’m talking about ...

Pride Mobility’s Jazzy Elite bariatric power wheelchair. With a free seat belt!

I just placed an online order with Wal-Mart … a variety of my usual favorites (canned pickled beets, big jars of Manischewitz matzo balls, Campbell’s Cream of Onion soup, jumbo stuffed green olives) and a package of seven PILOT DISPOSABLE FOUNTAIN PENS in assorted high-fashion colors. I’ve always loved fountain pens. In my past life I used to buy an expensive fine-point fountain pen at Marshall Field’s in Chicago. I can’t remember the brand, but in those days they were “cartridge” pens; the Pilot pens I bought today are disposable!

Pilot disposable fountain pens in assorted high-fashion colors.

As much as I’d like to hang out here for a few more hours, it’s time for drugs and a nap. Thank you, as always, for reading this.

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