Saturday, May 7, 2016

My Saturday night agenda included cute meat dumplings and buried treasure.

I didn’t have a chance to squeeze a Howdygram post into my jam-packed schedule yesterday due to all of the following pressing activities: 1) two extended naps; 2) programming the DVR to record a lot of pre-code Mary Astor movies; 3) refilling my pill sorter to accommodate a much higher dose of Gabapentin as prescribed by my best friend Sandi who is not a doctor (details follow); and 4) designing an adorable collection of new luggage tags and coordinating passport holders for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle.
And now a word or two about the aforementioned higher dose of Gabapentin. This is a prescription drug for neuropathy pain and I’d been taking a really, really low dose (300 mg twice a day) for the last four years that basically did totally NOTHING. As my chronic pain got worse and worse Dr. M eventually prescribed Norco, which I take six times a day, but she never increased my dose of Gabapentin until three weeks ago, when she doubled it to 600 mg twice a day in response to a desperate and dramatic plea for additional pain relief. I thought 600 mg sounded swell until my best friend Sandi (she takes it, too) said she’s been reading about Gabapentin online and almost everybody take 900 mg three times a day. So based on Sandi’s expert recommendation — and the premise that more is always better — I just increased my own dose to 900 mg three times a day, and if this crap finally starts to work I’ll call Dr. M next week and ask her to change my prescription so I won’t run out. PLEASE CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME. Thank you.

I also mentioned passport holders and luggage tags back in the first paragraph. Here are a few samples of the products I’ve been designing for The Howdygram Store. Every style comes in a number of thrilling color options, and the back of each luggage tag is imprinted with your contact information.
I’m sure you’ll agree that these are GORGEOUS. The blue one is photorealistic dark blue glitter with a brushed faux gold frame (and rivets) around the monogram and the purple one is photorealistic painted wood with a faux gold glitter frame around the monogram.

WHAT’S FOR DINNER. It’s 7:17 p.m. and I’m waiting for King China to deliver a Saturday night feast that includes Cute Meat Dumplings, Shrimp Toast, Szechwan Eggplant with Garlic Sauce, Jalapeño Shrimp and steamed rice. I’M SO GODDAMN HUNGRY I COULD EVEN EAT THE PAPER BAG. King China has excellent food and excellent bags.

BURIED TREASURE FROM CREATIVE MARKET. I responded to Creative Market’s promotional email tonight and immediately blew ten buckaroos on the biggest collection of digital gold backgrounds and textures God ever created. No kidding, people. It’s called “The Ultimate Gold Box” and you get 100 gold backgrounds, four dozen exceptionally unusual seamless gold and white patterns, 16 gold bokeh backgrounds, 16 gold damask backgrounds, 16 gold chevron backgrounds, 100 rose gold backgrounds and a partridge in a pear tree. The total file size was about 2.25 gigabytes and took about 45 minutes to download. Wow, right? (FYI, Creative Market is like ... except for graphic designers.)

SWELL MOVIES. There are some fabulous movies on our DVR right now and I can’t wait to stretch out on the chaise and watch them. I’d list them for you here but AT&T’s website is having a nervous breakdown tonight and I can’t access my DVR online like I’m supposed to. I keep getting stuck in a sign-on loop. Every time I click “continue” I wind up back at the same screen!  I WANT TO KILL SOMEBODY AND I WANT TO KILL THEM NOW.

Hey ... I’ve got more FREE FONTS for you tonight! The only one I’m not totally thrilled with is “Model,” which comes with seven different styles ... all of them ugly. And it’s also too lightweight (thin) to be much use online. The sample you see below includes a .4-inch stroke to make it look heavier, and it’s still blecch.

All the other fonts, however, are TERRIFIC, especially “Fontone,” “Pan Pizza” and “Mango Smoothie.” Download links appear after the graphic in case you want to give a few of these for Mother’s Day tied to a bottle of perfume.

In my April 25 Howdygram post [read it here] I wrote a Public Service Announcement about CRF Frozen Foods of Pasco, Washington, whose frozen organic vegetables were poisoning America with Listeria, an organism that causes serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, elderly people such as yours truly, and everybody with weakened immune systems. This includes a high fever, severe headaches, muscle stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain, diarrhea and miscarriages. Holy crap.
Effective yesterday, however, CRF expanded its recall beyond half a dozen brands of frozen peas and corn to include practically every bag of vegetables and frozen fruit — including organics! — in the entire United States, such as Costco, Trader Joe’s, Safeway and just about every store brand you can think of. The list is as long as Sam’s leg  ... and he’s 6'5". You can check it out for yourself on the FDA’s official website.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: NOBODY EVER GOT SICK EATING CHEETOS.

My final news tidbit tonight is a product introduction that defies all human reason: KFC’s CHICKEN-FLAVORED EDIBLE NAIL POLISH. It’s a limited-edition novelty that’s available only in Hong Kong right now.
Incidentally, I don’t think they intend for the idiots who buy this shit to drink it from the bottle. It’s designed to be licked off your fingers. You know, as in “finger-lickin’ good.”

The ad says: “In line with its spirit of innovation, KFC Hong Kong unveils their new Finger Lickin’ Good Edible Nail Polish, keeping the brand literally at their customers’ fingertips while savoring their delicious signature chicken. KFC’s signature flavors — Original Recipe and Hot & Spicy — have been carefully formulated from natural ingredients into edible nail polish and packaged in a stylish glass bottle and minimal box with over gloss details to appeal to young consumers’ love of food and fashion. Simply apply and dry like regular nail polish and then lick - again and again and again to taste why the world's favourite chicken is Finger Lickin' Good.”

There are, of course, a few serious problems with this.
  1. Kentucky Fried Chicken absolutely has no spirit of innovation whatsoever. They’ve been selling the same shitty fetal chickens for 50 years. 
  2. If you’re already eating a bucket of chicken why would you need to lick the flavor off your nail polish at the same time?
  3. A “young consumer who loves food and fashion” is NOT going to sit around sucking greasy chicken off her hands. But thank God for the stylish glossy bottle.
Please keep this shit in Hong Kong, okay?

No comments: