Today is Shitty John Wayne Westerns Day on Turner Classic Movies.

Oy, it’s 3:45 Thursday morning and I’m wide awake. WIDE AWAKE! I made the decision to lie down on the chaise after my shower last night at 11:30 due to being dizzy and immediately slept through Run Silent Run Deep (1958) starring Clark Gable and Burt Lancaster. I missed the whole damn thing, even that scene where the screaming sailor — yes, the cute one — gets squashed by a falling torpedo. (It could give you nightmares.) Fortunately, when Sam shuffled off to bed at 2:30 I decided to transfer my carcass into the study to take my bedtime pills, shoot many units of insulin and write the Howdygram post that I clearly didn’t find time for on Wednesday.

Lucky you! Here I am!

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Today is SHITTY JOHN WAYNE WESTERNS DAY on Turner Classic Movies, giving you an opportunity to ponder (along with the rest of us) how in hell this big clod ever had a career in Hollywood following a whole decade of complete stinkers. Today TCM is showing John Wayne’s worst from the early 1930s. My recommended favorites are listed below.

Ride Him, Cowboy (1932)
The Big Stampede (1932)
Haunted Gold (1932)
The Telegraph Trail (1933)
The Man from Monterey (1933)

Incidentally, every Shitty John Wayne Western also features: 1) a dull love interest with a New York accent; 2) Gabby Hayes; and 3) Duke, “The Miracle Horse,” who’s so fucking smart he can comprehend complex instructions. (Example: “Duke! Go into town and find Millie, give her these keys and tell her to bring the deed and meet me at the entrance to the mine!”) John and his better half agreed to pose for the following portrait.

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In addition to Shitty John Wayne Westerns TCM is also showing a pile of military-themed films this weekend in honor of Memorial Day. Although I’m not an over-the-top fan of war movies, the Howdygram’s picks are as follows (these are all being shown on Saturday, Sunday and Monday).

The Dirty Dozen (1967) starring Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson
They Were Expendable (1945) starring John Wayne and Robert Montgomery
The Caine Mutiny (1954) starring Humphrey Bogart and Van Johnson
The Horizontal Lieutenant (1962) starring Jim Hutton and Paula Prentiss
The Imitation General (1958) starring Glenn Ford and Red Buttons
Buck Privates (1941) starring Abbott & Costello
No Time for Sergeants (1958) starring Andy Griffith and Don Knotts
The Great Escape (1963) starring James Garner and Steve McQueen
Objective, Burma! (1945) starring Errol Flynn and too many sound effects

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There was a big stupid news story from Oregon yesterday featuring, once again, The Brothers Bundy — Ammon and Ryan, Cliven’s boys — who are angry as hell that being jailed by the federal government is infringing upon their God-given Constitutional rights. The brothers filed documents on Tuesday arguing for their right to bear arms (seriously ... IN JAIL!), the freedom to assemble with each other and hang out, and the right to wear Magic Mormon Underwear and do Mormon things.

Specifically, Ryan Bundy wrote in the document that “My rights are being violated. My right to life is being violated. All of my First Amendment rights are being violated. I’m not allowed to meet with my brother. My right to freedom of religion is being violated. I cannot participate in religious activities and wear religious garments. And my Second Amendment rights are being violated.” According to the document, Ryan talked to a U.S. marshal about his complaints and was told these are the rules and it sucks to be you.

Frankly, Ryan, you should probably thank pop for the mess you’re in right now. He’s the thieving, anti-government asshole who brought the hammer down on ALL of you, and now you’ll all spend the rest of your miserable, fucked-up lives behind bars!

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For a change I’m fucking thrilled to announce the defeat of a RWNJ lunatic named Mary Lou Bruner, who lost the runoff election on May 24 for a vacant spot on the Texas State School Board in Austin. The Tea Party activist and former schoolteacher had been favored to win after almost cinching the March 1 primary, but a Lufkin chiropractor named Keven “This is Not a Typo” Ellis won with a steady double-digit lead throughout the night. This was indeed a huge embarrassment for Mary Lou and also for pseudo-celebrity Rafael Cruz, the right-wing shill and Baptist pastor who inserts himself whenever Turd Ted isn’t available.

The schoolchildren of Texas dodged a real bullet this time. Mary Lou campaigned by spreading SECRET PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE that President Obama was once a gay prosititute who turned tricks at Harvard to pay for his drug habit and that dinosaurs are extinct because Noah fucked up and brought pre-teen pairs onto the ark to save space and they weren’t old enough to reproduce. She’s also a home-schooling advocate who hates public education. Seriously.

Here are a couple of Mary Lou’s tweets in case you think I’m making this shit up.

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I have to get some sleep now because it’s 6:15 in the morning and I think the sun is trying to come up. Give my best regards to the family for me, okay? Thank you for reading this.