Howdygram tip: Sloppy Italian beef is not something a person should attempt to eat over a computer keyboard.

Hi-de-ho. I woke up from an extended and ill-advised late evening nap around 1 a.m., just in time to see the last 15 minutes of How to Steal a Million (1966) starring Audrey Hepburn and Peter O’Toole and watch sleepwalkin’ Sam shuffle off to bed. Unfortunately I’m having severe skin pain issues right now — the back of both thighs feels like somebody’s blasting them with a blow torch, plus I have those three goddamn leaking pressure sores — so I have to bounce up and down on my chair every couple of minutes to get comfortable. This is both exhausting and exceptionally stupid.

However I’ve taken a large wad of drugs and will definitely start to feel human again within the next half-hour or so. Hang in there with me, okay?

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The big news in and around Dallas/Fort Worth these days is what should the citizens of Arlington, Texas, do with Globe Life Park ... the magnificent home of the Texas Rangers baseball team that was built in 1994. So what’s the problem? The owners are whining that they can’t attract top-tier pitchers because summers in Texas are hot, the stadium has no retractable roof and nobody likes to sweat. Holy shit. Somebody just figured out that Texas summers are hot?!

The centerpiece of the Rangers’ plan is a brand new facility to replace Globe Life Park with a state-of-the-art stadium that’s more state-of-the-art than their current state-of-the-art stadium. The new stadium will have that coveted retractable roof and air-conditioning so the league’s best pitchers won’t have sweaty pits and nobody’s sorry ass will stick to the bleachers. The cost? ONE BILLION DOLLARS ... to be paid 50/50 by the Texas Rangers and the downtrodden taxpayers of Arlington, who are probably still getting soaked for the last stadium the helped to fund.

The owners propose tearing down Globe Life Park and building the new facility across the street in a vacant parking lot. This outrageous waste of money makes me sick. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

“Being able to have a higher average attendance, especially through the dog days of summer, raises our revenues, allows us to have more money to spend on players and free agents,” said Rangers Owner Ray Davis. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, RAY. Why do the taxpayers of Arlington have to pay for your players and free agents when the city’s roads, schools and teachers need every dime they can get?!

Arlington, Texas, is located halfway between Dallas and Fort Worth and is primarily comprised of fast casual restaurants, apartment complexes, strip clubs, bars, sports stadiums, a big water park and freeway exits. The following map denotes: 1) Howdygram headquarters; and 2) Globe Life Park in Arlington. My thought for the day: FUCK THE TEXAS RANGERS.

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In other sports news, Grubby Horsemeat — also known as Exaggerator when he’s not covered in mud — won the Preakness Stakes yesterday in Baltimore. Nyquil, who won the Kentucky Derby, finished third. I guess this was a big hoo-hah for horse lovers but it didn’t interest me in any way whatsoever. I was at my desk eating a bucket of Maruchan yakisoba noodles with a plastic fork. Sue me.

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It’s now early Sunday afternoon — time really flies when you write a blog, doesn’t it? — and Sam went to the Dallas Galleria to stretch his legs while I hang out in the study with baited fork and a million napkins because he promised to stop at Al’s Italian Beef near the mall and bring home a big sack of authentic food from Chicago. Al’s opened their first Texas restaurants last fall because there are lots of Windy City transplants (such as yours truly) living here and not everybody wants to eat barbecued brisket seven days a week. I’M SO EXCITED I ALMOST CAN’T STAND IT. I’ve decided to maneuver myself into the family room before Sam gets home because sloppy Italian beef is NOT something a person should attempt to eat over a computer keyboard.

Thank you for dropping in today. Give my best regards to the family, okay?