Sunday, December 6, 2015

Strange holiday gift ideas from the weirdos at Wayfair.

So what’s the big news from Howdygram headquarters? It’s 11:52 p.m. on the first night of Hanukkah, and in lieu of latkes I’m humming a rousing chorus of “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” and eating an Idahoan instant mashed potato cup. (Shut up. It’s the best I can do.) Here’s wishing y’all a happy, happy Hanukkah from Sam and me and the entire staff of Howdygram headquarters. (Okay, both of us.)
It’s actually been a very quiet day around here not counting Sam’s weekly Costco adventure, during which he brought home a trunkload of our regular favorites: 1) teeny tacos; 2) chicken flautas; 3) a bag of frozen Foster Farms Buffalo Chicken Nipples; 4) Chinese chicken salad wrap sandwiches; 4) Cape Cod chicken salad with pecans and smashed cranberries; 5) Kirkland’s tasty grapefruit cups; and 6) no muffins. And because I didn’t want Sam to have all the fun, I enjoyed a mini online shopping spree with Wal-Mart and Amazon that included: 1) three kinds of Hormel Compleats gourmet meals for senior citizens with a microwave; 2) Tide Pods; 3) a pack of 50 A7-size brown kraft envelopes because I design my own greeting cards; 4) a top-notch nail clipper for Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam’s Wild West Toenail Clinic; 5) Chinet 14 oz. fake crystal plastic cups; and 6) plastic forks and teaspoons.

At last, I sent an email to Dr. M a little while ago through Baylor Health’s patient website portal to ask if I can have Sam drop off my wee-wee sample to the lab on Monday. I’ve got another urinary tract infection that’s making my life TOTALLY FUCKING MISERABLE. I need a strong antibiotic and I need it NOW. I also mentioned that I can’t make an emergency appointment to see her about this because I don’t have a functioning wheelchair at the moment and therefore can’t leave the house. You may recall that my new Drive Medical Sentra Extra-Wide Bariatric Wheelchair for Big Butts was delivered on Friday [see post] but the shipper neglected to include my ritzy elevating leg rests ... and the chair is useless without them. I don’t understand why life has to be this complicated. Shit.

From the weirdos at Wayfair come these strange holiday gift ideas at limited-time prices, such as a doody brown sectional sofa like the one my mother bought in 1957 and the latest in ironing boards and trash cans. Just what every girl wants from Santa! Let’s go shopping!

I would like to continue typing but it’s late, Sam is in bed and about an hour ago I took my night-time dose of Metoprolol, which means I’ll probably black out any minute now because I have a seriously shitty reaction to that prescription and need to lie down before it hits me. (I always take my mid-day pill right before a nap.) Thank you for reading this. I’ll be back later with lots more bullshit to rock your world!

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