Thursday, October 15, 2015

Hey, you. I need a toe truck.

You may have missed this breaking news story on CNN, but about an hour ago I began my sleepy Thursday morning with a devastating and thoroughly unanticipated life-threatening injury. I bumped the big toenail on my left foot as I slid into a fluffy memory foam slipper using slightly more velocity that usual and wound up in a scene from M*A*S*H*. It was a fucking BLOODBATH around here, people, and I had to wake Sam to wrap my toe in toilet paper and say nice things to me.
Please keep in mind that injuries like this can quickly devolve into a huge and horrible hoo-hah because I take Coumadin (a blood thinner) and don’t clot like other humans. Fortunately I got lucky this morning. The bleeding stopped after 10 minutes, I migrated from the bathroom to my desk in the study and Sam brought me a big glass of Diet Sunkist orange soda and a corn dog. BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!

I love great big “statement” wall d├ęcor like the clocks pictured below. Hayneedle has a really nice variety — hundreds of the hugest clocks ever born! — except I think they’re all more expensive than Amazon and vastly overpriced when compared to the wall clocks you’ll find at Kirkland’s.
In the image below are a few examples of my favorite Kirkland’s wall clocks. They’re about 80% cheaper here than anywhere else on the Internet but Sam won’t let me buy one because he hates Kirkland’s, hates their styrofoam packaging, hates their shitty cartons and hates returning merchandise to their local retail stores because if a person has a sensitivity to scented candles, potpourri and/or home fragrance sprays you won’t be able to breathe without a goddamn GAS MASK. (Sam has the aforementioned sensitivity.)
In case you can’t wait to buy me a birthday present — which is coming up on November 1 — I’d love that 30-inch Black & Bronze Clock from Kirkland’s. Thank you! Please click here to request all necessary shipping information.

It never gets more exciting than THIS when you’re a shut-in elderly person with mobility issues and no car! My online purchases included a case of Morton’s disposable salt & pepper shakers, Herbal Essences shampoo for nice-smelling hair, and two jars of my favorite Smucker’s sugar-free peach preserves, the latter being so fucking wonderful I frequently consume it right out of the jar with a spoon.
In case you’re wondering, I ordered the salt & pepper shakers for my new When You’re Too Goddamn Handicapped to Cook in the Kitchen Program, which swings into high gear in the study whenever it’s mealtime and Sam is at work or out of town in California driving around the San Fernando Valley in a Mustang convertible from Avis (this is a real thing that actually happened). Other program essentials currently at my fingertips include an electric tea kettle, a Pyrex measuring cup, assorted Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for senior citizens, a roll of paper towels, assorted plastic flatware, a mini-fridge, a variety of refrigerated beverages and a package of Chinet hard plastic disposable drinking cups. Tonight for dinner I had a really nice leftover roast beef sandwich — ON JEWISH RYE! — that Sam made before he left for work this afternoon. Sam takes such good care of me! HE’S SUCH AN ADORABLE NOONIE!*

*Private nickname. Please don’t tell anybody.

And now it’s almost 9:45 Thursday night and I think I’ll transfer my carcass into the family room to put my feet up and watch “Project Runway” until Sam gets home from work. I’ve already decided that tonight’s late-night snack will be lobster ramen, Jell-O and sugar-free cookies.

Thank you for reading this.

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