Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Hey there, gullible shoppers, Hayneedle is having a “yooge” dining room sale!

Good morning, hi, howdy-do, shalom and how’s the family! I’m deliriously thrilled to report that summer might finally be over here in north Texas, as evidenced by the decidedly non-summery forecast from the meteorology goobers at Weather.com.
Beginning Friday we’re actually expecting REAL RAIN — for three whole days! — followed by lower temperatures and a chance for Sam to finally retire his shorts until next year. This is huge news, people, because we haven’t had any measurable precipitation around here for the last four months and daytime temperatures have been hovering in the 80s and 90s since Memorial Day. WE’RE READY FOR A BREAK, and the timing is perfect. No kid wants to go trick-or-treating when it’s so goddamn hot your Hershey bars melt before you get home. Horrors.

Old ladies with mobility issues should NEVER take a diuretic. My cardiologist prescribed a low dose — 20 mg once a day — of Lasix when I saw him last week for a semi-annual checkup, but this is definitely NOT working out for me. The urge to pee is frightening when I wake up from a nap and can’t stand or start moving fast enough to get to a bathroom. I’m tripping all over myself, my slippers fall off, I forget to put my glasses on, my bladder is ready to explode and I’ve had four very serious near-misses since Saturday. I’M THROUGH WITH THIS BULLSHIT and I refuse to pish all over my nice carpeting. Thank you.

Hey there, gullible shoppers, Hayneedle is having a yooge dining room sale! Here’s your chance to blow several thousand bucks on furniture you can’t touch or see, just in time for Thanksgiving. I am especially intrigued by the second image and have several comments for whoever the hell designed this ridiculous room.
  1. Nobody want to eat dinner sitting on that white fluffy faux fur thing.
  2. There are three different mismatched seating options, none of which makes any sense whatsoever.
  3. Only a nitwit puts throw pillows on their dining room chairs. What are your guests supposed to do with them when they sit down?
  4. The floral centerpiece is not in the center of the table.
  5. The table base is insane and at least four guests won’t know what to do with their feet.
  6. The curtains suck.

For your possible interest, today’s agenda here at Howdygram headquarters includes a trip to Wal-Mart for Sam, a juicy nap for yours truly, an afternoon sock-folding extravaganza and another nap. Please send an email if you’d like to come over and help with the socks, okay? I’ve got Pop Secret and sugar-free Jell-O cups, and we can watch Jezebel (1938) starring Bette Davis, Henry Fonda and George Brent.

Thank you for reading this.

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