Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Drugs are amazing.

Know what I hate? Waking up wracked with pain after a lousy night’s sleep. This was just about one of the worst nights I can ever remember even though I actually felt not too bad when I went to bed at 3 a.m. I wish somebody could tell me what the hell happened between 3 and 6:45! At the moment I’ve got a whole whine list full of pain-related shit going on — everything from plantar fasciitis to sensitive bleeding skin to gas pains to a low-grade fever with aching joints — and I’m EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep. With any luck I’ll type this post really fast and then haul myself into the family room for a multi-hour nap on the chaise before my maid shows up at 1 p.m. for a pre-arranged visit to check on my welfare and make sure I haven’t fallen down in the family room with a bowl of chili and need four paramedics with a moose sling to help me get up.

Yes ... THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. You can read about it here. (Oy.)

Anyway, here’s my current Shit-O-Meter reading for your possible interest. I’m hoping things will improve after a few doses of Norco. DRUGS ARE AMAZING.

Give up? I BOUGHT A PRESENT FOR SAM! Before he left for California he complained that he couldn’t pack his favorite cap as it was basically shot to hell with sweaty forehead stains, so he asked if I could order a new one for him ... using my own original artwork, just like last time. In case you’re wondering, we nicknamed our house “Bonnywood Ranch” (Bonnywood is our street) when we moved here eight years ago and Sam has a whole collection of apparel with our logo on it thanks to all the clever products you can buy from
The cap pictured here costs $14.95 and comes in at least a dozen colors. I think that’s a goddamn terrific deal, considering it’s customized with your own artwork and there’s no minimum order. (The “no minimum” perk is a very big hoo-hah.) Zazzle also sells traditional-looking baseball caps but they’re way too expensive at $20.95 each. Even worse, for some reason the artwork has to be EMBROIDERED rather than printed, so there’s an additional $25 setup charge for computerized embroidery! Holy crap. Blowing $45.95 on a baseball cap is insane. I’d much rather stock up on little pop-top cans of Chef Boyardee mini ravioli. (You can never have too much Chef Boyardee mini ravioli. Trust me.)

We’ve got sad news this morning from our Obscure Old Rockers With Stupid Hair and Loud Suits department. Singer Frankie Ford, 76, whose one hit “Sea Cruise” brought him fleeting fame in 1959, has died of natural causes. It’s not clear whether this picture was taken before or after he died. And maybe somebody can tell me what the fuck he’s doing with his right hand.
In case you’ve never heard of Frankie Ford here’s a video clip of his first (and probably only) appearance on “American Bandstand” singing his hit. Judging by this performance and the photo of him above, I’m guessing Ford was a weirdo his entire life. You be you, Frankie!

And now for an in-depth look at NAPPING, one of the highlights of my life. It’s 9:40 a.m. and almost time to transfer my carcass into the family room for a few hours of sleep and one or more favorite “sleeping” movie. Sam and I have several favorites, but for me the best are the four Miss Marple mysteries starring Margaret Rutherford from the early 1960s, William Powell in The Kennel Murder Case (1933) with Mary Astor, White Cargo (1942) starring Walter Pidgeon and Hedy Lamarr, Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) starring James Mason and Pat Boone, the early-1930s Hildegarde Withers mysteries with Edna May Oliver, and Around the World in 80 Days (1956) starring David Niven. They all reside on our DVR.
I’m ready for that nap now. Thank you for putting up with me.

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