Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Barstool Palin, America’s shriekiest serial unwed mother, weighs in on the “Denali” brouhaha.

It’s a HUGE WEEK around here for this hungry senior citizen, because all the Mountain House freeze-dried meals I ordered from Wal-Mart and will be arriving via FedEx today and tomorrow! You may remember my Howdygram post from August 29 when I explained that Sam will be out of town for a few days at the end of this month and I’ll be on my own for meal preparation ... but that’s NOT a good thing because my overall mobility is so fucking shot to hell now that I can’t stand up long enough to nuke two corn dogs. That’s when I Googled and discovered Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for campers senior citizens. Just pour hot water into the foil pouch, zip it shut, wait a few minutes and PRESTO BLAMMO ... real food with gravy! I ordered all of the following entrees this week in addition to a set of plastic salt & pepper shakers and a lightweight measuring cup for my desk in the study in case I can’t haul my ass into the kitchen. That’s a very long walk when you’re dealing with pain issues. I’m not kidding, either.
Are these charming little tins of food amazing ... or what? I fully expect to love ALL of them because I’ve always eaten damn near anything, including cold Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup right out of the can UNDILUTED. (Seriously.) Therefore I plan to stock Mountain House entree pouches in a basket in the study, and whenever I need an emergency meal I can get nice hot water from the tap in the hall bathroom and chow down right out of the bag. Frankly, I can hardly wait! PLEASE LET ME KNOW IMMEDIATELY IF YOU WANT TO COME FOR DINNER so I can find another clean spoon. (Thank you.)

It takes a really stupid bunch of marketing yahoos to advertise Labor Day Specials for a store that’s CLOSED ON LABOR DAY, yet that’s exactly what Nebraska Furniture Mart is doing here. And they’re pushing a bunch of cheesy “motion” furniture with velvet or bonded leather upholstery that’s guaranteed to last until Thanksgiving if you’re lucky, at which time you’ll be ready to beat your salesman to death with a lead pipe. Bargains abound, people. Let’s shop!

Glorioski, we have a new Putz of the Week for you! I think this might be the first time Bristol Barstool Palin — America’s shriekiest serial unwed mother — has won this honor even though she’s been qualifying for it since Mama Grizzly first thrust her onto the public stage in 2008. This time Barstool’s hysteria is focused on President Hussein Obama of Kenya for disappointing Jesus, the Statue of Liberty, the entire state of Ohio and Republicans everywhere by officially redesignating the tallest mountain in North America, located in Alaska, as “Denali” ... which is ITS ACTUAL REAL NAME and THE NAME IT HAS ALWAYS HAD. Unbeknownst to Barstool, with her GED diploma and minimal functioning brain cells, Alaska officially shelved the “McKinley” name in 1975. The federal government didn’t catch up until the other day.
Regardless of the facts, history, Native American tradition or the truth, Barstool wrote in her blog (with all original punctuation intact):

President Obama is taking a trip to the Alaskan Arctic. I wish we could add up how much this trip costs the tax payers dollars……….. They probably had to BARGE limousines here!!!!!!! They rented out an entire TOWER at our nicest hotel here! A TOWER!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, no one is buying the “Denali is what the Alaskans have called it for years” line. I’ve never called the mountain Denali .. and neither does anyone I know …

It’s Mt. McKinley … It always has been and always will be to most of us… What a waste...

First of all, Barstool, what the fucking hell is “an entire tower at our nicest hotel here” ... the side entrance of a Motel Six?! And did your idiot mother pitch in with some ghostwriting or did you just write this bullshit DRUNK? You dumbass.

Second, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, GO ASK MOM WHAT THE MOUNTAIN IS CALLED. Sarah Palin knows it’s “Denali” because she referred to it by this name more than once, even on the video of her I’m-quitting-my-job-as-governor-to-make-an-ass-of-myself-working-for-Fox-News speech. She says: “Denali, The Great One, soaring under the midnight sun.” [Check it out here.] And as a matter of fact, during the 2008 election “Denali” was Sarah Palin’s Secret Service code name!

What a family of morons. Holy shit.

Breaking news, boys and girls. I THINK WE’RE BUYING A NEW CAR THIS WEEKEND. I need something with more leg room than the Hyundai Sonata we’re driving now PLUS Labor Day is a great time to pick up a deal on the exiting model year. Our possibilities include: Kia Sorento, Kia Optima, Honda Accord, Nissan XTerra, Nissan Altima, Ford Fusion and Chevy Impala. Yee-haw! Stay tuned for more details.

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