Sunday, September 27, 2015

America will never survive the horror of gay Doritos.

It’s 6:15 Sunday morning and I didn’t sleep very well last night. My ongoing low-grade fever broke more than once and left me clammy, unhappy and irritated with soaking wet hair. An hour ago I finally gave up trying to sleep because I also couldn’t breathe — a frequent bonus from my heart condition at no extra charge — and decided to relocate myself to the study for drugs, a cold soda and food. As I write this post I’m rehydrating a bag of Mountain House’s freeze-dried Breakfast Skillet for handicapped senior citizens that includes hash browns, scrambled eggs, sausage, colorful flecks and onions. THIS IS DAMN GOOD STUFF (especially those colorful flecks!) and I’m awfully glad I’ve got two dozen bags of Mountain House freeze-dried whatnots in the study so I won’t starve to death while Sam is out of town. All I have to do is add boiling water.

Sad news from the world of food poisoning! Three people are dead and 558 have been sickened — some critically — in a salmonella outbreak tied to cucumbers imported from Mexico. We originally reported this story [read it here] in the Howdygram back on September 11. Although the company that distributed the naughty cukes has recalled them, infections are still being diagnosed by lab tests at the CDC. Of the infected consumers, 112 have been hospitalized and more than half of them are children. The three deaths were in Arizona, California and Texas; recalled cucumbers were distributed in at least 21 other states.  

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: CRUNCHY SNACKS ARE THE ANSWER. Nobody ever recalls Cheetos!
FYI ... on Monday Stewart Parnell, former owner of the Peanut Corporation of America, was sentenced to 28 years in prison for his role in a salmonella outbreak that killed at least nine people in 2008. Oy, right?

Another day, another outrage! Republican clown car passenger and general embarrassment Mike Huckabee is waging war against gay Doritos for its assault on Christian values. Last week Frito-Lay — a division of PepsiCo — unveiled a limited edition bag of Doritos Rainbows to celebrate gay pride and raise money for LGBT youth. The Rainbows were mailed to anyone who donated $10 or more to It Gets Better, a gay rights nonprofit organization. Even though PepsiCo has been supporting gay rights for years — and many of their products, including Doritos, are listed in the Human Rights Campaign’s buyer’s guide — this latest brouhaha has triggered an over-the-top response by the religious-right’s bullshit machine led by ol’ Uncle Cornpone himself, Mike Huckabee, who tore himself away from Kim Davis long enough to get his face on Fox News screaming about tortilla chips.
This is all standard anti-gay operating procedure. One Million Moms and the American Family Association are enraged because of ANTI-JESUS BUTTSEX. They hate the gays. Monica Cole, executive director of One Million Moms, ruptured a few arteries shrieking that Frito-Lay is promoting homosexuality among teens so they want everybody in the United States to lash out against gay junk food. “Contact Frito-Lay immediately and urge them to drop its promotion of anti-Christian bigotry.” What the fuck?

And then Mike Huckabee, who saw another opportunity for free publicity, wrote a letter to Frito-Lay urging them to cut ties with the anti-Christian “hate group” It Gets Better, which is run by popular gay rights activist and Village Voice advice columnist Dan Savage.

“If good ol’ Mike Huckabee thinks his path to the White House runs through a bag of tortilla chips, he’s more deluded than we thought,” Savage wrote in an email to The Daily Beast in response to Huckabee’s letters. “But he’s not really running for president, of course, he’s just trying to sell his books and get his face on TV so he can go back to fleecing the rubes.” Yup. Exactly. Before launching his campaign for the 2016 presidential nomination Huckabee was a TV huckster selling a book with a miracle cure for type 2 diabetes.

Personally, I think Uncle Cornpone should focus all that fury and self-righteous indignation a little closer to home in Arkansas, where his son David was caught TORTURING AND MURDERING A SICK DOG while working as a counselor at Boy Scout camp. Dad, of course, was still governor of Arkansas at the time, so rather than force his sociopathic chip off the ol’ block to face legal charges and mental health counseling, he intervened and fucked-up the police’s attempts to investigate the dog’s death. Huckabee’s older son, John Mark, is a pillar of the community who produces “snuff” porn films. What a family of fucking FREAKS!

Yum-yum, everybody ... let’s save money with Schwan’s! Through October 10 you can save up to $19 on strange frozen food for home delivery such as Turkey & Pork Meatballs, moderately slimy Pulled Pork and a Grilling Variety Pack filled with “seasonal” leftovers that nobody else wanted to buy. I should also mention this week’s special for AARP members. Old people can save $1.50 on Zesty Jalapeño Bites.
Sam and I have been ordering from Schwan’s for several years. While we’re not fans of the specific products pictured above, they do sell a number of tasty frozen whatnots that we enjoy very much. These would include Mozzarella Sticks, Corn Dogs, Individual Deep-Dish Supreme Pizzas and Onion Rings. Please feel free to give any or all of these a shot, and a friendly unformed doofus with a hat will deliver them to your door!

My final section in this post is a brand new food review ... this time it’s freeze-dried Chili Mac from Mountain House, makers of fine and tasty entrees for handicapped senior citizens who can’t stand up long enough to cook or wash a dish. Chili Mac earns our coveted five-chopper rating and might be my number one favorite so far, loaded with zesty sauce, real beef, real beans and real macaroni in a real foil-lined pouch.
Thank you for reading this. It’s nap time again!

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