Saturday, June 27, 2015

Go choke on an armadillo, you rotten douchebag!

I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t going to publish a Howdygram post today. You were almost right, but about 15 minutes ago I decided to hang out in the study for a while to refill my weekly pill organizer — do we know how to have fun on a Saturday night or what? — and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to type a bunch of baloney. (You can thank me later.)

County clerks here in Texas were apparently overwhelmed yesterday with gay couples applying for marriage licenses after the U.S. Supreme Court’s approval of same-sex marriage, much to the dismay of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who had a very public nervous breakdown on national television and cemented his place in history as a TOTAL ASSHOLE. But we’ll get back to this in a minute.

Here in Dallas County, Jack Evans, 85, and George Harris, 82, were first in line to receive a marriage license after being together for 55 years. In Travis County, Gena Dawson and Charlotte Rutherford, together for 31 years, were the first to get their license in Austin.
Just between us, do either of these adorable couples look like a threat to the right-wing’s religious liberty? No, I don’t think so, either.

While additional courtrooms in Texas were opened and extra staffers called in to handle the overflow crowds, Attorney General Ken Paxton — our official Putz of the Week! — spewed the horseshit that appears below:

The truth is that the debate over the issue of marriage has increasingly devolved into personal and economic aggression against people of faith who have sought to live their lives consistent with their sincerely-held religious beliefs about marriage.

It is not acceptable that people of faith be exposed to such abuse. The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution protects our religious liberty and shields people of faith from such persecution, but those aspects of its protections have been denigrated by radicals, echoed by the media and an increasingly-activist judiciary.

Displays of hate and intolerance against people of faith should be denounced by all people of good will and spark concern among anyone who believes in religious liberty and freedom for all.
Mr. Paxton, you are a big bag of shit.

He even instructed his county clerks to ignore the SCOTUS ruling, and it’s reported that a few were paying attention, but other county clerks, especially in the big metro areas like Dallas, Austin and San Antonio, are shouting “GO CHOKE ON AN ARMADILLO, YOU ROTTEN DOUCHEBAG!” and issuing gay marriage licenses to all the excited gays in Big Gay Texas.

Who’s abusing you, Mr. Paxton? The Supreme Court isn’t forcing pastors or churches to perform gay weddings but they DO expect government employees nationwide to issue marriage licenses from now on to same-sex couples because MARRIAGE EQUALITY IS A NEW CIVIL RIGHT. Don’t like it? Find another job. (Or maybe drop dead.)

The point is, you are NOT a victim of “abuse and religious persecution” just because the Supreme Court says you have to stop tormenting the LGBT community. How can you perform such a convoluted twist of logic without breaking your goddamn neck? And why has the persecution of others assumed such a central role in the religious practices of conservative Christians, anyway? If you take a look at Biblical teaching, this seems to be theologically bass-ackward and far more Satanic than Christian. Personally, I wish Jesus would whack them all in the nuts with a bucket of loaves and fishes. These people make me so sick already.

Let’s talk cheese! Yesterday Sam came home with a big wedge of cheese from Costco after a free sample knocked him for a loop. It’s Yancey’s Fancy Champagne Cheddar ... a creamy, incredibly yummo white cheddar AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY TASTE REAL CHAMPAGNE! It was a huge wedge for about seven bucks, and we’re so fucking excited Sam said he’d go back tomorrow (Sunday) to pick up a wedge of the Jalapeño Cayenne. Because PEOPLE NEED CHEESE AND THE BEST PLACE TO GET IT IS COSTCO!
I plan to eat a large volume of this with a buttered English muffin or a few Schwan’s biscuits and a nice dish of pickles. And I’ll bet the Jalapeño Cayenne makes an outrageous grilled cheese. Thank you.

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